#buck's easy friendship with Christopher gives me life
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WIP Wednesday
This is a snippet from "If I Lead, Will You Follow?" This feels so slow going rn. I feel like this is all I wanted to write when I started it, but my inspiration has stalled. Maybe getting more out into the universe will help. It's a longer snippet, so I'm gonna put it under a cut. Thank you @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad for tagging me đŠľ
Eddie walked back into the living room and sat on the couch with his beer. If Buck was good at complicated legos, then he could have at it. Eddie was more than happy to sit back and drink his beer.Â
As if he could read his mind, Christopher looked up at him. âBuck's way better at this than you, Dad.âÂ
Buck choked back a laugh. Eddie threw a half-hearted glare his way.Â
âThat's not very nice, bud,â Buck said after a second. âI'm sure your dad is plenty good.âÂ
Christopher's eyebrows drew together, and he shook his head.Â
âWhat's parenthood if you're not being bullied by your own kid?â Eddie asked, voice soft enough that Christopher probably didn't register it. It got a soft huff of laughter from Buck, though. Eddie liked that sound a lot. âBuck can be your lego buddy from now on.âÂ
âGood,â said Christopher. âI thought I'd never get the Mars Rover finished.âÂ
âWe may not finish this tonight â Buck replied, looking through the instructions.Â
âYou can come back tomorrow,â Christopher said, and the way he said it sounded like it was just a given. Of course, Buck would come back again the next night to build legos with him. Â
Buck frowned down at the instructions. âWell, I have to work tomorrow, buddy, but maybe I can come over the next time I'm off.âÂ
Christopher squinted up at Buck. âWhen is that?â and his tone was close enough to a demand that it made Eddie sit up a little straighter.Â
âAy, mijo. We have to be kind to our friends or they won't want to come and play,â he said, and he never raised his voice with Christopher, not like his dad had done with him, but he was firm.Â
Christopher paused for a second, maybe to consider what he would say next, but his tone was much softer when he finally did speak. âWhen can you come back and play legos with me again, Buck?âÂ
âI'm off on Monday,â Buck says.Â
Christopher looked at Eddie. âDad, can Buck come over on Monday?âÂ
âI work on Monday,â Eddie said softly. He didn't want to let his kid down. âYou're going to go to Abuelaâs before and after school, and I won't pick you up until after you're asleep.â Â
âOh.â Christopher's little slumped shoulders were exactly what Eddie didn't want.Â
Buck glanced between them. He pulled out his phone. Seconds later, Eddie's phone buzzed in his pocket.Â
Buck: I could watch him after school on Monday.Â
Eddie looked at the text, then at Buck. He appreciated that the offer had come as a text. They were still new to each other. But Eddie was surprised to find that he wanted to say yes. He trusted Buck already. And it would be nice to get to come right home after a twelve-hour shift and for Christopher to fall asleep in his own bed.Â
âMaybe Buck can hang out with you after school here until I get home,â Eddie said. âYou will have to promise me that you'll listen to Buck and you'll go to bed when he says it's time.â
Christopher's face lit up. âYes, please! I promise!â
Buck was smiling too. âYou'll have to let me know what you want for dinner, bud,â he said.
Christopher leaned forward with a very serious expression on his face. âCan you make grilled cheese? Dad always burns them.â
âCaptain Nash, your dadâs boss, taught me how to make the best grilled cheese in the whole world,â Buck replied. He poked through the lego pieces in the bin and handed one to Christopher. âDo you like tomato soup?â
Christopher nodded. âDad can make that pretty okay. We eat it with quesadillas sometimes. Those are usually okay.â
âTomato soup and quesadillas can both be cooked in the microwave just fine,â Eddie said. âBut we have good dinners too, mijo. Right? Like when we had spaghetti last week. That was good.â
Chris giggled and nodded again. âWe had chicken nuggets with cheese in our spaghetti! It was the best I've ever had!â
âOh yeah?â Buck asked. He glanced back at Eddie for a second before picking up the next piece of their build. âMaybe I can join you next time because I've never had that. And I love spaghetti and chicken nuggets.â
âYeah. I'll call you,â Christopher replied, taking the piece and sticking it on.
Buck chuckled. âYou've got my number?â
âDad does. He lets me call Grandma and Abuelo,â Christopher said with a wave of his hand.
âPerfect. As soon as you know your dad has spaghetti on the menu, call me right up,â Buck told him. He handed him one more piece and closed the instructions. âI have to go start the chicken. We will have to pick this up after dinner."
No pressure tagging and anybody else who wants to share! I wanna read your WIPs!
@lochnesswriter @friendly-chaos @malewifediaz
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đźđźđźđźđźđźđźđźđźđźđź(the dynamics here are fascinating! Such an interesting take on how their lives could have gone so differently)
â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°â°(this one omg!!! What does eddie know? What does the clock mean? How long until buck is fully aware? WHAT IS GOING ON?? Canât wait to find out!)
â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸(athena POV! I love it! Gerrard being dead! I love it! Having all the interrogations be interwoven to help build a picture of the whole night! I love it! It feels very oceans 911)
Also I gotta say that I LOVE when you include a mystery emoji/story on one of your responses to me! This happening twice now has me feeling genuinely so honored!
Ahhh happy to give you all the surprise emojis! Who knows, I MAY have another one soon...
33 for đź(thank you so much!!!):
---
With Shannon and Eddie getting along better after telling Chris about the baby, sheâs seeing more of him. Not that Eddie has kept him from her at all since Christmas. He hasnât. But with them communicating better, itâs just easier for her to spend more quality time with him. With her feeling better, too, she can watch him more. Eddie is slowly relying on Carla less and less, and Shannon more and more. Sheâs resumed going over to his place to stay with Chris when heâs working. Something she didnât think sheâd get again. At least not for a while. On top of that, Chris is happy again. Their work to prove his fears wrong has paid off; he seems secure in her being around and heâs excited about the baby. About being a big brother. Heâs filled with curiosity about everything and asks her questions whenever he sees her. It warms her heart and soothes her anxieties. She can do this without hurting Christopher any more than she already has.Â
The other recent development, of course, is Maddie. The friendship she hadnât known sheâd needed until Buck arranged it. Shannon and Maddie hit it off immediately. Despite being a bit older than her - there is quite an age difference between Maddie and Buck, apparently - Shannon and Maddie immediately found common ground in the life experience of starting over in this city. Both moving forward from a lot of guilt and baggage, some days more successfully than others. Beyond that, they just have a similar conversational style. Maddie is kind and smart, but funny. Not afraid to poke fun. Shannon feels at ease around her. Theyâve been seeing each other weekly, and texting a lot, too. They have plans to go shopping next week, after Shannon and Eddie find out the sex of the baby. For the first time since high school, Shannon has a social life to look forward to.Â
Maddie isnât the only Buckley sheâs finding herself on friendly terms with, either. Shannon and Buck have struck up quite a rapport pre-physio. Shannon finds herself arriving early on purpose, just to extend their conversations. Thereâs something about him.Â
---
96 for â° (ALL GREAT QUESTIONS!):
---
Heâs feeling a bit better. He doesnât know why. Itâs like the looming dread has evaporated. A cloud passing overhead. Honestly, the moment they walked away from that kayak rack, Buck felt a lot lighter. Which is weird. He had a bad feeling, and⌠And he⌠He avoided getting hurt. But how did he know to do that? Just like Eddie asked. Why did he have that feeling?
Because you remember it, something small in the back of his head is telling him. But thatâs impossible, so he tries to shove it down.Â
âI donât know,â Eddie replies. He still seems off. Quiet. Like he adopted Buckâs bad mood when Buck shirked it. âWe can always just go back to the hotel and take it easy?âÂ
âWhat?â Chris complains. âThatâs boring!â
âAw, Eddie come on,â Buck adds, reaching for the driverâs side door of the Jeep. âItâs our last day here. We wanted to go swimming.â
âThereâs a pool at the hotel,â Eddie reminds him. âWe can swim there.â
Buck feels like heâs had this conversation before.Â
âI want to go to the beach,â Chris says.
âYeah, me too.â Buck agrees. âUnless something is wrong?â
Eddie narrows his eyes at Buck. Like Buck has asked him something mildly offensive. Buck raises an eyebrow. He has no idea whatâs wrong!Â
âNo, youâre right. Letâs go to the beach,â Eddie concedes. âWhatever makes the two of you happy.âÂ
â°â°â°
They swim and enjoy the beach. Itâs almost a really nice afternoon. Buck has a lot of energy, and he and Chris spend a ton of time in the water and exploring the long, flat stretch of sand. They wander off towards the rocks, to look at tidal pools, crabs, and other little creatures. Eddie follows behind them, watching them like a hawk circling overhead.Â
Itâs strange. The whole afternoon, he doesnât ever fully participate in what they're doing. Heâs there, but not totally present. He has a distance to him, and yet heâs never not watching. And where, usually, heâd be keeping his eyes specifically on Chris, today heâs not. Today his eyes are glued on Buck.Â
âAre you sure everything is okay?â Buck asks him several times over the course of the afternoon.
âYeah,â Eddie replies. âEverything is perfectly fine.â
But itâs clearly a lie.Â
Buck helps Chris up onto one of the rocks to look at a sea urchin.
âI really like that purple color,â Chris observes.
âMe too,â Buck replies. âMan, weâve seen a lot of cool wildlife today, havenât we?â
Even as he says it, he realizes none of it has felt very novel. Except maybe this exact moment. He doesnât know if heâs seen what heâs looking at now, before. But the otters? The seals? The opalescent slug thingies? None of those felt like a first glimpse at a magical other world. It felt like a painting of something beautiful he stares at every day.Â
Why does it feel like that?
âWe have!â Chris agrees. He doesnât seem to hold any of Buckâs lack of wonder. âThis has been the coolest trip ever.â
Buck smiles at him. âIâm so glad, Chris. Iâve had a pretty good time, too.â
Chris steps away from Buck and crouches down to look at one of the pools. A wave crashes nearby, sending a small flood of water over their feet.Â
âCareful,â Buck advises.Â
âIâm okay!â Chris insists.Â
âDonât want you to fall in. Then youâd be the sea urchin.â
âBuck.âÂ
If no one else is going to chuckle at his joke, he will.Â
In the distance, Buck hears two gulls squabbling. He turns to look, shifting his balance just as another wave crashes. The rush of water is more forceful than expected, despite his own advice to Christopher. Buck stumbles a little, unable to regain his footing. With a flipping feeling in his stomach, Buck falls backward.Â
He only feels it for a second when his head cracks off the jagged ocean rocks.
---
57 for â ď¸ (THANK YOU! That's sort of the vibe I am going for!):
---
âWeâre just doing our due diligence, Mr. Han,â Ransone replies. âMaking sure we have all the information necessary before ruling the death accidental.â
âRight,â Chim says. âBut you only asked about Tommy. Not Hen.â
âWeâve already spoken with Mrs. Wilson.âÂ
Chim starts to sweat a little. âUh, listen, okay⌠Come on. Tommy didnât do this.â
Oh boy. Chim panicking is never a good thing. Heâs not the coolest under pressure.
âI didnât say he did,â Ransone replies. âYou jumped to that conclusion, though.â
âI did? No! I mean. I didnât.âÂ
âWhy didnât Tommy do this?â Ransone asks.Â
âWhat?â
âIf youâre very sure Mr. Kinnard couldnât have killed Captain Gerrard, tell me why?âÂ
Chim blinks, like he hadnât expected this question.
âWell, uh⌠First of all, heâs dating my brother-in-law, so⌠So I trust Buckâs taste in men, right?â Chim starts. âSecond, heâs changed a lot.âÂ
âChanged?â Ransone lasers in on this choice in diction.Â
Athena sighs. If Chim wants to protect his friend, heâs doing a bad job.Â
âYeah,â Chim nods. âHeâs not the same guy he was when Gerrard was our captain the first time. When I met him.â
âWhat kind of guy was he then?â Ransone asks.Â
âI⌠Wait. No, thatâs not what I meant,â Chim stammers.Â
âWhat did you mean?â
âI plead the fifth!â Chim exclaims.Â
âThatâs not how that works, Mr. Han,â Ransone sighs.Â
Chimâs face is very red. âListen, Tommy is a better man now, but I didnât mean to imply he was, like, capable of murder when we worked under Gerrard together.â
âThen what was he like?â Ransone presses.Â
âI donât know,â Chim shrugs. âColder? Meaner? More affected by othersâ opinions?â
Ransone nods. âI see.â
âBuck wouldnât date a killer! He knows Tommy well!âÂ
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Hello Alice. My birthday is coming up next Tuesday and I booked myself a holiday into California which is a massive deal for me. It made me think a lot about my uncle who travels around the world for his job quite often and how he was in Jerusulem literally in August. It is terrifying to think how much can change in the span of a few months. I don't know how you manage to cope with everything but I just wanted to drop in and say that even though I am this cyber stranger, I am very proud and in awe of you. I am also very grateful for the content you provide on here which educates so many. I hope your living situation is okay. I hope you're managing. And I hope that you're looking forward to s7 of Buddie come March. Another random thought that occurred to me on this long ass flight was how the coma dream showed Buck that he already has a kid in his life who he parents and how he came to terms with being a sperm donor instead of a father. (AT LEAST IMO DONT YELL AT ME PEOPLE!) Anywhooooo, I adore you and thank you for being here. đđđđđ
Awwww, my darling Dom! *hugs* I can just imagine how exciting such a big trip is, and on such a wonderful occasion, too! I'm so glad for you, enjoy every single second of your journey, lovely!
Oh, wow! Your uncle was in my city just this August. That's when we were celebrating my sister's bday. Yeah, who could have imagined how much the world would change in just two months?
Oh hon! You're not a cyber stranger. You're so wonderful, brave and strong, compassionate and sweet, I enjoy talking to you, and I'm SO grateful for your friendship. I'm the one who's in awe of you! You didn't have to stand by me when I'm one of the people targeted by this de-humanization campaign, but you did, and to me, that makes you a hero. I'm proud of YOU. <3
So kind of you to be interested in my living situation. I have a temporary place, it's not great, but it's also not too far from my previous place, so at least I know my surroundings. And hopefully, this place isn't for long...
Oh, I hope s7 gives us canon Buddie, honestly. And Buck officially as Christopher's other dad. ^u^ Yes, I agree about the coma dream, it def was meaning in Buck seeing Chris there, and realizing more fully what that kid means to him, or Christopher wouldn't be there.
Love you so much, hon! I adore you, and thank you again for being here, even when that's not easy! xoxox
#ask#dominikadecember#fandom love#kindness#thank you!#<33333#always#buddie#buddie meta#kinda#personal
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I'm not the original anon who asked about 911 but I am also curious about the Buddie situation? can you tell me abt them?
oh hi!
well here goes my attempt to explain.. them?? i guess?
(decided to put it under the cut bc it's long and i don't wanna disrupt anybody's dash)
i don't know where you stand in terms of supernatural/destiel, but since the last anon asked me abt buddie v destiel in terms of queerbait then i'll take that as a point of comparison
destiel was indeed the main queerbaiting method used by the cw to promote spn. they knew that most of the audience had been watching the show thanks to cas and dean's chemistry and wanted them to be together. however, for many reasons, mainly homophobia or probably chain of command etc etc, they were never gonna make them explicitly canon. so instead they kept.. "amping up"??? the chemistry and the romantic subtext between them enough to keep the audience engaged but keeping plausible deniability. obviously after the last season and the whole bury your gays where they killed off cas, ppl were angry. it was and still is a whole thing bc honestly the cw sucks.
tl:dr #1, destiel was queerbait and ppl who watched spn are now in fear of living through it again when watching other shows
anyways, onto buddie.
ppl who haven't watched 911 but see a lot of buddie content fear that the show is basically doing the same thing, adding little details and subtext between buck and eddie to engage queer viewers or buddie shippers in general and thus have a bigger audience.
what i don't know, but i think is pretty subjective, is if the previous anon would have 911 ruined for them if they started watching, shipping buddie, and then they never got together explicitly in the show.
911 is currently still running and imo there is definitely some amazing chemistry between buck and eddie, not to mention a romantic relationship between them would make total sense.
SPOILERS AHEAD! SKIP THIS PART IF YOU WANT
buck and eddie are pretty much the closest friendship in the show, veering strongly into romantic territory. buck has had a string of catastrophic relationships with women throughout the show, and it's always implied that they don't work because buck needs someone who really knows him, loves him and wants to commit to a serious relationship with him. (eg, a best friend or someone to form a family with).
this particular struggle of buck's is easy to parallel with his relationship with eddie, who has his own relationship problems (including a wife who he separated from, tried to get back together with, and then she died), since he hasn't had any stable love interests.
a crucial part in all of this is christopher, who is of course the person who eddie loves and cares for above all else. chris has had a big say on the way eddie's relationships turn out, because loving eddie means loving chris.
guess who loves chris with his whole heart and is pretty much a second parental figure to him? buck.
between that and the outrageous life-or-death (or psychological distress) situations they have lived through together, there's an unbreakable bond between them. they confide and rely on each other in nearly every aspect of their lives, both during good and bad times.
SPOILERS OVER!
i personally have fun and adore buck and eddie's relationship as it is currently, and yeah, i'd love for them to be canon as much as the next person. but i'd also be okay if they continued to give us the same buddie dynamic we have right now.
there are a lot of meaningful moments and scenes that basically reaffirm how truly close they are even outside the plot they show us on screen. i love that because it's like they're giving us little blank spaces to fill up with headcanons and fics and gifsets and that is so fun!!
but certain ppl are more adamant in their desire to see their relationship develop romantically on-screen. despite not being one of those people, i get why they want that and i sincerely hope they get it!!
but if it doesn't happen, i'll still happily watch the buck and eddie we've been given and cherish all of their interactions. that and of course as i said in the previous ask, i love 911 for a LOT more reasons than just buddie.
tl;dr #2, buddie isn't canon, whether or not it's queerbait depends on who's watching and how they're watching, but 911 is still worth it as a whole.
#whew... this post ended up being much longer than i expected#anyways if anyone reads this essay-level answer to the end then hi! thanks for putting up with me and my obsessions lol#and i hope more ppl start watching 911 because it truly is wonderful. buddie aside even though i adore them#anon#sara answers#911#buddie
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tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease
Ease. The absence of difficulty or effort.
Buck wasn't sure if he'd ever experienced true ease, in his life - and maybe he should have realised, when he had to turn to Eddie to explain what it meant to feel at ease, but Buck was known for being sort of oblivious.
ao3 link
Ease. The absence of difficulty or effort. Thatâs how it was defined on the internet, at least â Buck knew because he had looked it up, after his conversation with Bobby. Itâs not like it was the word itself he was unfamiliar with â no, it was the feeling that Buck didnât recognise. Ease â it felt like it should be something so easy, and so familiar, and yet Buck wasnât sure if he had ever experienced the feeling. He certainly never felt at ease in the Buckley household growing up, their suburban home haunted by ghosts that Buck had only recently learned of the existence of, and ease hadnât come after that either, as happy as he was in Los Angeles.
Ease.
Buck felt absolutely plagued by the word.
He knew Bobby was right.
Buck was a lot of things, but he was aware of his own failings â or, really, he was aware of what he lacked, and he knew at barely 30 â because could you claim an age when youâd only worn the numbers as a badge for two and a half months, now? â he still had a lot left to learn, and he was fine with that. He supposed, really, it wasnât even about being interim captain at all, if he was willing to dig deep into the depths of why he felt so completely and utterly rocked by Bobbyâs decision to make Lucy interim captain over him. It was more that Buckâs job felt like the only good, consistent thing in his life, amongst the wreckage of his failed relationships, and if he wasnât succeeding at his job â was he succeeding at anything?
It had definitely sent him spiralling. Buck could admit that.
Ease.
He didnât know what that meant to him, honestly.
âYouâve been quiet tonight.â
Eddieâs words roused Buck from his stupor, Buck suddenly aware that he had been staring out the window, scrubbing the same clean plate over, and over, for the last ten minutes. It wasnât behaviour Eddie was going to let him wave away, he knew, and so Buck shrugged.
âIâm just thinking.â
Eddie fixed him with a curious look. Eddie did that, a lot â fixed him with the kind of stare that made Buck feel as though his best friend could read his every thought. âAre you still upset that Bobby didnât pick you to be interim captain?â the ask wasnât accusatory, or condescending â it was a genuine question. Buck appreciated that about Eddie, he never made Buck feel silly for the fact he sometimes did tend to overreact to things.
(âYouâre allowed to have big emotions,â Eddie grinned, ever the father, repeating a speech that Buck had heard him give Christopher before: encouraging his son to feel his big emotions and overwhelming feelings and talk about them, too. Eddie was a great dad.)
Buck sighed, setting the dish on the counter, using the dish towel heâd tossed aside earlier to dry off his hands. Heâd ripped the rubber gloves Eddie kept in his house for Buckâs sake, and his hands felt grim, and dry, the dish soap sucking all the moisture out of his skin. He hated doing dishes â but Eddie had cooked, and Buck was nothing if not an egalitarian when it came to their friendship: if Eddie cooked, Buck cleaned.
âIâm not upset about that,â Buck said, shaking his head when Eddie raised an eyebrow in response. âNo, really â Iâm not. I was, Iâm not pretending that I wasnât upset, because I was, but itâs not â itâs not that,â he paused. He could tell Eddie this. Right? Of course he could, because Eddie was his best friend, and he told Eddie everything, and maybe a problem shared was a problem halved, and all that. âBobby said something to me the other day, and itâs been playing on my mind.â
Eddieâs brow furrowed, the expression unfamiliar these days, given the way Eddie tended to be so much happier, these days. He â Eddie looked good, these days. Heâd put a lot of work in, over the months, and he looked better â happier, healthier, his face filled out again, the thinness brought about by months of depression and anxiety replaced with bright eyes and flushed cheeks and a healthier, happier version of his best friend. Buck knew it wasnât easy to put the work in the way that Eddie had done, and it made Buck all the prouder.
âWhat did he say?â
âIn AA, thereâs this idea that you take inventory of your life, admit your shortcomings â in the hopes that one day, you can look the world straight in the eye, and be alone at perfect peace, and ease,â Buck quipped. Heâd thought about it so much, since he and Bobby had spoken, that the words felt like they were directly imprinted on his brain.
Eddie was quiet, for a second. âThat makes sense, right?â he questioned, leaning against the kitchen counter. He was wearing a flannel shirt Buck didnât recognise, the sleeves rolled to the elbow, Eddieâs sweatpants a few inches too long and dragging on the ground. It was a comfortable outfit, and that in itself wasnât ground-breaking, but the fact Eddie was happy to wear it was. It was something Buck had realised, early on in his friendship with Eddie â he didnât like to appear vulnerable to people, even through something as simple as wearing some slouchy clothes, and it meant a lot that he trusted Buck enough to be entirely comfortable.
Buck huffed out a breath. âI donât know.â
read the rest on ao3
#911 fox#buddie#evan buckley#eddie diaz#in which i ramble#in which lorna writes fic#anyway this was meant to be a coda and i went fully fucking mental instead#enjoy!
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Because, Eddie
1,319 words | read on ao3
Ficlet inspired by this @incorrectbuddie post.
Theyâre lying in bed wrapped around each other, Eddieâs head resting on Buckâs chest. He shivered a little, growing chilled as the sweat cooled on their bodies, and Buck pulled him closer with a content sigh. Â
Theyâve only been officially dating for a few weeks, and this was Buckâs first time sleeping over in his bed. Eddie had always loved cuddling, but he hadnât realized just how much he missed having someone else in his bed. With Buck, he honestly just craves physical intimacy all the time. He doesnât think heâs stopped touching Buck since he walked through the front door tonight. He wondered if Buck was indulging him, or if he enjoyed the physical contact as much as Eddie did. Â
âHey Buck, can I ask you something,â he said, turning his head to prop his chin on Buckâs chest. Â
âHmm...,â was the only response he got. Buck remained boneless under him, eyes closed and a sweet smile on his face. Â
âWhy do you love me?â And wow, he did not mean to say that. Heat rushed to his face and his heart started to pound.
Buckâs eyes flew open and locked with his, concern flitting across his face briefly as he searched Eddieâs face. Â
âEds, what...â Â
âNo, I just mean ââ, he rolled away and dropped his head to the pillow with a huff. Â
So, look, knew he had issues coming out of his marriage to Shannon. They fought most of the time whenever he was home on leave. She had plenty of complaints about the many ways he was letting her down, both as a husband and as a father. When he finally came home for good, she took off and abandoned their son. Abandoned them both. Heâd felt like a failure as a husband ever since. That belief was only reinforced during the brief time he and Chris had with her when she came back. Â
In contrast, his relationship with Buck has always been easy. After that first shift, anyway. Even the problems they had during the lawsuit boiled down to Eddie being hurt and feeling like Buck abandoned him and Chris. Buckâs easy friendship and his instant connection with Chris had disarmed Eddie completely. Before he knew what was happening, Buck was a vital part of their lives. Falling in love with him was as easy as breathing. But if his fights with Shannon had taught him anything, it was that he didnât excel at being a loving, supportive partner. He knew it wasn't all on him, she had her faults too. But he couldnât allow his shortcomings to ruin things with Buck. If he knew what it was about him that already made Buck happy, maybe he could avoid making the same mistakes. Â
âHey, Eddie â I donât know whatâs happening in your head right now, but listen to me, okay?â Heâd rolled to his side so they were touching all along their bodies again but he understood Eddie very well by now, so he tangled their fingers together and pulled their joined hands to his chest. Â
âEds, youâre the best man I know, and I adore the shit out of you. If you need reassurance from me, Iâm happy to give it to you. I could create an entire PowerPoint with examples and photo evidence of all the reasons I love you.â Â
Eddie chuckled, a little teary-eyed but trying to hide it. The thing is, he believed Buck. He knew Buck loved him and Christopher with his entire heart. He knew Buck would never leave them. He didn't know why he was feeling insecure about this tonight, but he blamed therapy for bringing out old feelings of inadequacy. Buck must read the emotions as they played over his face because he just started talking. Â
âI love that youâre an amazing father. The best father Iâve ever met in my life. You help Chris be independent in every way possible because you know how important it is to him. Even if you sometimes wish heâd accept more help. You love him unconditionally, and you encourage him to try new things as often as possible. You spend actual quality time with him, you're never just phoning it in. You pay attention to his interests, even when they bore the hell out of you.â Â
Eddie has lost the battle with his tears at this point, and a few slide slowly down his cheek. Buck didn't mention them, he just brushed them away tenderly and continued speaking. Â
"When we met, you were so patient with me. I was insecure about my place in the firehouse and acting out. I knew I was being a brat, but you just took it, and kept working, being annoyingly competent. You never snapped back at me. It pissed me off at first, that patience and steadfastness, and I wasnât sure I could trust it. But by the time we walked out of that ambulance, I knew. You were someone I could depend on, someone reliable. I havenât had much of that in my life.â Â
Buckâs eyes are full of tears too, now. His grip on Eddieâs hand is tight enough to hurt, but he says nothing. Â
âI love that youâre such a supportive friend, Eddie. To me, yes, of course. Always. But you helped Chim when he was struggling with pursuing a relationship with Maddie. And when Maddie left, you were there for him again. You bonded with May and listened when she needed a friend to talk to. You and Linda still share tips and tricks and new recipes all the time, and you gossip like itâs going out of style. Youâre stubborn and single-minded sometimes, and that doesnât always lead to great decisions. But you own up to your mistakes and you work to make things right.â Â
For a moment, Buck hesitated. Eddie thought maybe he was waiting for a response, but when he opened his mouth Buck just shook his head slightly as his tears broke free. Â
âYou absolutely hate therapy. Youâd rather do just about anything else. But you go every week without fail because you want to get better, and you want to feel stronger. For Christopher, yes. But youâre learning to do it for yourself. Youâre healing. Itâs fucking beautiful to watch Eddie. The way youâre becoming comfortable with who you are and what you want...man, I am so fucking proud of you.â Â
Well, now theyâre both soggy messes and even though theyâve been touching this entire time, it feels like Buck is too far away. He used their joined hands and pulled Buck off balance, not letting go until he covered Eddieâs body with his own. Buckâs solid weight was a comfort, and Eddie relaxed into the mattress. Â
âI love you, Evan,â he murmured. âYouâre perfect for me, and for Chris. You know? You love with every fiber of your being, with no hesitation. I guess I donât always feel like Iâm returning that same energy. I donât always feel like that man you described. But if thatâs how you truly see me...maybe weâre just perfect for each other.â Â
Buck dropped down to take his lips in a sweet kiss. He teased him with gentile nips and soft sweeps of his tongue until Eddie got impatient and deepened the kiss himself. Â
âI love you, too. We are perfect for each other, Eddie. You and me, and Christopher too. The three of us, weâre nailing the whole family thing,â Buck said with a hastily covered yawn. He grabbed for the blankets and tucked them in as he settled next to Eddie. Â
Eddie reached out a hand to lace their fingers together, not wanting to let go of Buckâs comfort completely even to sleep. He felt wrapped up in the warmth of Buckâs love. He knows his insecurities arenât magically cured. With time, though, theyâll disappear entirely, and Buck will be with him for the journey.
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15 + buddie
15. "Shouldn't you be with her?" On ao3 here.
When Eddie is eleven, his class gets a new student. Her name is Maria Esparza and her family is from Arizona. She has dark curls that look like they would be soft to touch and a smattering of freckles across her nose and sheâs so smartâalways reading and forever raising her hand in class, always with the right answersâbut she never acts stuck up about it.
He thinks sheâs beautiful and when he gets home from the first day of school he promptly announces that heâs in love. He doesnât understand why his mother laughs or why Sophia rolls her eyes and calls him an idiot when heâs perfectly serious.
Heâs in love, he insists, and goes on believing it for three whole weeks until he gets up the courage to give Maria a flower at recess and she looks at him like he has two heads. The rejection smarts for a couple of days, but then heâs fine. So, he figures...maybe it wasnât love after all.
Eddie is fifteen when he finds his eyes slipping too frequently to Diego Reed in autoshop, lingering on the other boyâs long, dexterous fingers, his forearms, the sharp edge of his jaw. Eddie canât explain it, he just knows those stolen glances make him squirm, make him flush, make him feel too warm and like his very skin is too tight.
Diego steals Eddieâs first kiss two weeks before winter break, pushes him up against the back wall of the shop where theyâre hidden by a truck and licks into his mouth with a confidence that Eddie canât imagine ever having when he himself canât even figure out what to do with his hands. But it makes his knees weak and leaves him breathless and panting when Diego pulls away with a smirk and tells him not to say anything.
Itâs not loveâfor one thing, Eddie knows heâs not supposed to love boys, and for another, the only time he suggests it might be anything at all, Diego gives him the same look Maria had once upon a time and walks awayâbut itâs nothing heâs ever felt before. The next year, Angelica Phelan asks him to go to the winter formal and he gets to second base in the science lab when they slip away from the chaperones. Itâs different from kissing Diego. But itâs just as good, he enjoys it just as much, and part of him isâŚrelieved.
He doesnât think about that too much.
Eddie is eighteen when heâs not watching where heâs going and runs directly into his future on the sidewalk. Thankfully, the only casualty is Shannonâs coffee, and after she snaps at him for not paying attention and he offers to replace her drinkâwell. They close down the coffee shop, emerging, startled, from conversation only when interrupted by a mildly disgruntled employee trying to lock up. Eddie walks home in a daze, Shannonâs phone number burning a hole in his pocket, and heâs simultaneously elated and terrified because itâs never been so easy being with someone, heâs never felt so seen so quickly. Heâs old enough to realize that love at first sight is bullshit, but he thinks he could fall very fast.
Heâs right.
They take things slow because Eddie wants to do things right, doesnât want to risk confusing love with the heady cocktail of teenage hormones and sex. So he knows by the time he does fall into bed with her, eight months in, that heâs in love. Really in love, thinking about the future in love, factoring her into the mix when he thinks about what the hell heâs going to do with his life in love.
And then Shannon gets pregnant. And itâs too soon, he loves her but itâs too soon, and heâs terrified all over againâ
He loves her though. He loves her. And sheâs pregnant soâthey get married. He wants to do the right thing.
At their wedding the readings are selections from Song of Songs and Corinthians.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud....Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...
With all due respect to St. Paul, Eddie doesnât think he knew what the hell he was talking about. Or at least, maybe he did, but he was being pretty damn aspirational and left out a few things.
Because after the weddingâŚafter the wedding, Eddie learns a lot more about love.
Love is beautiful, yes. But love is alsoâŚtrying to do the right thing and fucking up. Love is fighting and knowing exactly what to say to cut the deepest and not always holding back. Love is forgiving, but after a point finding it difficult to forget.
Or maybe thatâs not love, maybe thatâs just marriage. Maybe itâs a little of both. Because love enduresâsure. Love endured with Shannon even when trust was nonexistent, when their marriage was fractured, shattered pieces strewn across the floor ready to draw blood if either of them tried to pick them up.
Love isnât enough. Thatâs what Eddie knows. Or maybe it is, maybe love would have been enough to fix what was broken if it hadnât been his. Shannonâs gone, so theyâll never be able to have that conversation. Heâll never know the answer.
Love endures. Eddie kind of wishes it didnât. It would make a lot of things a lot easier.
ButâŚitâs fine. Heâs fine. Shannon dies and he locks that piece of himself away and has no plans to ever fall in love again.
Then again, God has a funny sense of humor and never seems to resist an opportunity to be an asshole, so of courseâŚhe does. Slowly. Quietly. The threads slipping through the cracks in his walls so carefully that he doesnât even notice until theyâre twined around his heart, unspooling through his blood, through his veins with every pulse. Eddie doesnât notice.
And then he gets shot and itâs like being hit by lightning, an electric shock of clarity down his spine, rooting him in place as he meets Buckâs eyes.
Oh.
Oh, fuck.
***
Eddie despises recovery.
Heâs never been good at being still, at being useless, at being left alone with nothing but his own head. And maybe heâs not entirely aloneâhe has Christopher, after all, and Christopher is understandably a little clingy now that heâs home from the hospitalâbut Christopher sleeps and has play dates and spends time in his room and just in general isnât in Eddieâs space every second of every day.
And then thereâs Buck. Buck who offered to keep staying on the couch to take care of everything they needed when Eddie came home from the hospital. Buck who Eddie sent home to his own bed with promises to call if he needed help because having Buck so close after Eddieâs little realization was stirring him up, making everything a million times more difficult in his head. Buckâs still over frequently, but itâs less dangerous if heâs not staying overnight, if Eddie canât wake up and be tempted to walk out to the living room and pull Buck into his bed. Not for anything sexualâheâs on too many medications and too immobilized for that even if it was remotely a good ideaâbut to be held. To feel wanted. To feel safe.
He knows Buck probably wouldnât say no, wouldnât think anything of it except that maybe heâs a little raw and fragile, which he is. Which is exactly why he canât ask. So. Removing the temptation it is.
But. Being left alone with his own head is a terrible idea. Heâs in pain because he lowered the doses of his pain meds so he would stop worrying about developing any dependency. He canât sleep without waking up with screams trapped behind his teeth and the smell of blood and gunpowder in his nose. And he canât stop thinking about Buck. About being in love with Buck. About wanting Buck. About whether he could ever have him or whether heâll ever be okay enough to be in a relationship. About whether Buck could ever want him back or if heâll ever feel safe enough to risk their friendship by even asking.
He broke up with Ana the second he was able to figure out how to do it without feeling like a complete dick. But he hasnât told Buck that. He doesnât know why.
And then thereâsâ
The key turns in the lock and Eddie starts, looking up from his place on the couch. Christopher is with his abuela for the night, and he didnât expectâ
âHey,â Buck calls, stepping through the door. âI brought dinner.â
Eddie stares.
âWhat are you doing here?â He asks, before he can stop himself. âShouldnât you be with Taylor?â
âTaylor. Buck and Taylor. Which, Buck waited weeks to tell him about, hedging about why he wanted to know if it was okay to invite her to Eddieâs welcome home party. Which, Buck only did admit to when Eddie called one night at 2AM and Taylor answered Buckâs phone.
Eddie clears his throat, the question sounding a little too sharp and accusatory to his ears.
âI just meant,â he adds, softening, âI thought you said you had a date tonight.â
An odd look passes over Buckâs face.
âIsabel called me,â he replies. âShe said you were by yourself, asked if I would check on you. We rescheduled, itâs fine.â
Eddie nods once and pulls the couch throw tighter around his shoulders with his good arm. A petty, possessive piece of him is pleased. That Buckâs there. That Buck would drop everything for him.
Heâs always been wary of Taylor. Even way back when they first met and she was prowling around the station filming everyone and flirting with Buck. But now? Now heâs jealous, his stomach twisting at the very reminder that she has Buck the way Eddie wants him.
But at the same timeâŚhe hates that. Hates the jealousy, hates feeling possessive. Because what claim does he have over Buckâs affections? None. Especially not when he canât even admit to loving him outside his head.
He hates it because he knows that more than anything, Buck deserves to be happy. And maybe Eddie could make him happy, butâ
Even if Buck felt the sameâand Eddie isnât convinced of that, doesnât have the arrogance to assumeâwhat right does he have to say please, to say wait, to ask Buck to put his life on hold indefinitely while Eddie sorts through the tangled mess in his head in the hope that one day heâll finally be ready? He canât be that selfish. Especially not with Buck.
Buck deserves to be happy. Even if thatâs with Taylor Kelly. Even if it means Eddie loses him.
He doesnât get to be jealous.
âYou didnât have to do that,â Eddie replies quietly. âIâm fine.â
Buck sets the bag in his arms down on the coffee table.
âYou donât look fine,â he points out. âActually, you look like shit. Isabel was right to call me.â
âIâm fine,â Eddie repeats. His heart pangs at the concern in Buckâs eyes. âReally, itâs okayâyou shouldâyou shouldââ
Go. Call Taylor back. Enjoy your date.
He wants to do the right thing. He really does. But the rest of the words refuse to leave his throat.
Buck shakes his head anyway. âIâm not going anywhere,â he insists. âSo tell me whatâs going on. How can I help?â
Eddie bites his lip. Drags his hand over his jaw before making a face. The messy, overgrown scruff is itchy and difficult to manage on his own, and the foreignness of it doesnât help him feel grounded in his own body when he wakes up gasping in the middle of the night.
âItâs stupid,â he says.
âIâm sure itâs not,â Buck replies. âAnd Iâm here, so you might as well just talk.â
Iâm in love with you, Eddie thinks. And I canât sleep. And I canât shave. And everything hurts. And I just want to stop being afraidâ
He swallows. He canât say all of that. He canât blow everything up that way.
So, he picks the easiest one.
âI canât shave with my left hand and itâs driving me insane.â
Buck blinks. Then he laughs as the worry in his brow smooths out.
âThatâs it?â He asks. âWell, thatâs easy. I can do that. Come on.â
And thatâs how Eddie winds up sitting on the bathroom counter with shaving cream all over his face while Buck wets a razor and steps between his legs.
His breath catches.
âYou good?â Buck asks, his voice low. His eyes are soft and focused, and Eddie almost regrets everything because the proximityâgod, the proximity. Heâs been so cold since the shooting and Buck is so warm, heat spreading through Eddieâs body from every discrete point of contact. Buck tips his chin back and Eddie lets his eyes slip closed.
âYeah,â he breathes. âIâm good.â
The razor drags along his skin. Neither of them say a word, the main sound in the room the drip of the faucet when Buck rinses the razor between passes. Theyâve always been physical with each other, but this sort of thing is new. Intimate.
Eddie aches.
His eyes open a crack to watch. Buckâs lower lip is caught between his teeth, and having every ounce of that focus on him isâŚintoxicating.
I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Buck steps in closer, Eddieâs legs spread ever so slightly wider. A spark of heat flashes through him and he inhales sharplyâBuckâs startled enough that his hand slips and the razor nicks Eddieâs jaw.
âShit,â Buck swears. The razor clatters into the sink. âShit. Iâm sorry.â
Eddie opens his eyes the rest of the way. âItâs fine,â he assures. âWhat, you think Iâve never cut myself shaving before? Itâs still better than I would have managed myself.â
âIâmââ Buck looks stricken, his fingers reaching out to gently cradle Eddieâs jaw only for him to snatch them back almost instantly, the tip of one faintly smeared with blood. His hand trembles.
âBuck,â Eddie says quietly. Buckâs eyes are fixed on the red smear and Eddie is sent backâ
Watching his blood splash across Buckâs face and not realizing at first that it was his. Being half-delirious on the way to the hospital worrying that Buck had been hurtâ
All this time, Buckâs been moving forward, pushing ahead, for Christopher, for him, for everyone, and Eddie knew he wasnât entirely okay, knew he was fucked up from the moment in the hospital when he said I think it would have been better if I was the one who got shot, but since Eddieâs been home, Buck has seemedâŚbetter.
Maybe not. Maybe heâs been struggling to pretend as much as Eddie has.
Eddie twists around to grab the towel draped over the faucet and wets it enough to wash the rest of the shaving cream off his face, feels the sting of soap and water in the cut. And then he reaches out to grab Buckâs hand, wiping the blood off of his finger.
Thereâs something profane about blood staining skin. And something sacred in the act of washing it clean.
Eddie wonders if anyone helped Buck wash his blood off when he was in surgery. Taylor, maybe.
But no, that doesnât feel right.
Buck probably did it himself. Alone.
âHey.â Eddie squeezes Buckâs fingers. When Buck doesnât look at him, he reaches out and curls his hand around the side of Buckâs neck, tips Buckâs chin up with his thumb to force him to meet his eyes. âHey. Itâs okay. Iâm okay. No harm done.â
Buck breathes out shakily. His throat works, his face passes through a million stagesâfinally, his hands fall to the counter on either side of Eddieâs hips and his forehead drops to Eddieâs good shoulder. Eddie lets his hand slip around to the back of Buckâs neck, his fingers combing up through the short hairs there. He turns his head and heâs close enough to kiss the side of Buckâs, but he holds off. It feels like it would be too much. Too much when Buck doesnât know how he really feels, what he really wants. But even just thisâthe closeness, the touchâis good. Needed. A balm to the itch under his skin.
When Buck turns his face into Eddieâs neck and inhales, Eddie thinks maybe Buck might need this just as badly.
âIâm okay,â he repeats, closing his eyes again as his fingers comb through Buckâs hair. âWeâre okay. Weâre okay.â
They stay like that for a long time. Buckâs phone rings out once, but neither of them moves to answer it. Eventually, Buck lifts his head and clears his throat roughly as he steps back.
Eddieâs hand falls away from Buckâs neck. He feels the absence keenly.
âYou good?â He asks. Buck nods. His eyes are red.
âYeah,â Buck replies. He pauses. Shakes his head. âNo. Butâcan we justâcan I just finish this for now? I want to finish this.â
Eddie watches him for a moment. Wets his lips. Then finally nods and passes over the shaving cream again.
âSure,â he says. âI trust you.â
I love you.
MaybeâŚmaybe eventually heâll be braver. Maybe eventually, both of them will be free at the same time and heâll be whole and healed, or at least something closer to it than he is now. Maybe eventuallyâŚlove will be enough. Maybe.
For now, he has this.
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Queerbaiting and Buddie
(word count: 1,900)
I keep saying that I donât want to spend any more time on 9-1-1 meta or fic, but the events of this weekend made me open up a document where I had some unfinished meta and in light of the S4 finale airing tonight, I thought I might at least write this:Â
âQueerbaiting is a marketing technique for fiction and entertainment in which creators hint at, but then do not actually depict, same-sex romance or other LGBTQ representation. They do so to attract a queer or straight ally audience with the suggestion of relationships or characters that appeal to them, while at the same time attempting to avoid alienating other consumers.âÂ
That is how Wikipedia defines queerbaiting. And I really feel like everyone needs to read that and then read it again and realize that what is happening on 9-1-1 with Buddie is NOT queerbaiting.Â
I donât want to go into the long history of queerbaiting because we would be here all day and anyone that wants to do some research should go and do so. There are a lot of resources out there. Use them.Â
But the short of it is this: queerbaiting has a lot more to do with the way a show is promoted, with the way that anyone involved in the show talks about a queer ship, and with the show deliberately scripting scenes that hint at a relationship without any intention of following through. Expectations and wanting a queer ship to go canon and those expectations not being met do not alone equate to it being queerbaiting.Â
For any of us that have been around a long time there are a lot of perfect examples and if you compare Buddie to any of them, they are very different. Iâll name a few:
Merlin/Arthur
John Watson/Sherlock
Emma Swan/Regina
Derek/Stiles
Castiel/Dean Winchester (though they did go canon...barely)
Lena/Kara
Buck and Eddie do not fit into that list. Which isnât to say that someday they could belong there, but I just do not believe that they will even if Buddie never becomes canon. And this all lies in how Buddie as a ship has been treated both on screen and off. Iâll break it down by season.Â
S2:Â
Eddie is very clearly introduced as a new character, a straight Army veteran with a disabled kid and family drama. He and Buck have immediate chemistry. We canât deny that, or deny that from that first episode there are immediate sparks. Unintended sparks, but sparks nevertheless. And it is easy to tell that no one on the production team expected that and the story reflects that.Â
Yes a foundation for their friendship is formed and yet the season long story focuses on Eddieâs relationship with his estranged wife and Buck is dealing with his own growth after being left by Abby. Their friendship shines and their scenes are great but none of them suggest romance and there are actually a lot of episodes where Buck and Eddie barely interact in S2 aside from in the background or for small work related moments (this mostly happens after Shannon returns).Â
S2 does give us the first acknowledgement from the powers that be aka Tim Minear that they know what the fans have seen. This is why the elf scene exists, but it exists in a space where itâs a nod to the fans and not meant to do much more than that. The other moment is during the call with the livestreamer. But S2, places them completely and without question on a strong friendship.Â
S3:Â
We see a lot more conflict for Buck and Eddie in this season and we see how close and important they are to each other. Those are the two main things. That can be read as friendship easily and itâs a season where both Buck and Eddie deal with their pasts and in one way or another start to get closure while their friendship remains intact.Â
Yes there are some scenes that make us squint and go huh, wtf? (Iâm looking at you kitchen scene), but narratively we also know that neither of these boys is ready for a real relationship with anyone, let alone each other. But we can bask in how close they are as well as how Christopher fits in into all of it.Â
But in S3 we are also introduced to Ana and we see the return of Abby. We also get to see that Buck and Eddie have become closer than ever and that the lawsuit only serves to highlight the importance that they both feel about having the other available to them. Iâll also quickly mention that Eddie Begins worked hard to highlight Buckâs devotion to Eddie.Â
S4:Â
Without considering the events of the finale (I am avoiding spoilers and know nothing about it or the speculation), weâve seen Buck and Eddie both grow and get further closure on their past. This season has paralleled them well and their friendship has not faltered, theyâre as close as ever.Â
The beginning of the season was heavily focused on Buck and we saw him grow as a person and begin to work on himself in a healthy way and weâve seen Eddie be supportive of that.Â
We also have Ana to consider and her relationship with Eddie as well as the return of Taylor and yet the appearance of these women has not changed the Buck and Eddie dynamic. And I find it fascinating that Eddie beginning to date Ana, is the thing that prompted Buck to start dating. The parallels are all over the place but it is the strength of the friendship and the way they care so deeply about each other that remains whether that becomes romantic is still to be seen, but it could still go either way. Â
Off-screen by the end of S2, Tim Minear had already addressed Buddie by throwing in that elf scene in a wink/nudge fashion that said âI see youâ and in the scene with the girl with the livestream with the comments. During S3 he tweeted about being frustrated by the fans demanding and being hostile and thinking that that would make him more likely to do what they want (Iâm paraphrasing what I remember seeing). Tim has never once said that Buddie will happen or shut the door on the ship entirely, but he did say he did not want to engage in conversation about it because he doesnât want to get into arguments with fans.Â
Oliver has always been enthusiastic about Buddie and has even said that he would be perfectly fine with it happening both a while ago and more recently in promo for S4. Conscious of queerbaiting and not wanting to give fans false hope, he has specifically said that he does not know if it will or wonât happen and that he wouldnât speak on that as heâs not the one making that decision. His support for it happening does not mean he has any sway one way or the other. Heâs said this a few times and even wrote a letter to the effect to make it clear to fans that the last thing he wants is to disappoint someone due to something heâs said.Â
All in all, it just isnât a constructive environment for anyone working on the show to interact with fans on this topic because any time that they do, they get attacked by overly enthusiastic buddie shippers that in many ways are making everything worse.Â
In all of the interviews from Tim that Iâve seen, he has always been very quick to hint at what was coming up on the show in a way that at times has been misleading on purpose. The number one thing that comes to mind is early in S4 where Buck was said to get a new woman in his life. Tim absolutely made it out to seem like it was a girlfriend while knowing fully well that it was a therapist. This is an excellent example of what promoting and hinting is actually like. No one from this show has done that in regards to Buddie.Â
No one has gone out of their way to hint that it may happen in a way that excites the fans. And this is one of my main reasons for knowing that Buddie is not a queerbait. At no point in the life of the show so far has anyone used Buddie in a promotional way to bring in viewers. Because THAT was the whole point of queerbaiting in the past.Â
It was a way that some showrunners found to bring in a lot of viewers when they needed to up their numbers in order to show networks they were worth keeping around. Someone figured out that LGBTQ people wanted to see themselves represented so much so that they would tune in to anything that promised an LGBTQ character in some fashion. It was a tactic that worked well in the landscape of tv where there was so little LGBTQ content on mainstream media that anyone wanting it would latch onto anything. And then they just wouldnât deliver on those relationships or characters. In 2021, that is not the world we live in any longer.Â
In todayâs tv landscape there is so much to watch and so much to pick from and diversity has grown, it is celebrated. Queer characters are well represented as are queer relationships and queer stories. The times are different. A while back I was listening to a podcast (Bait: a queerbaiting podcast) and something I found interesting was how the hosts both agreed that in todayâs tv landscape there is no more real queerbait and that we wonât easily find anything like the ships I mentioned above. I think I agree more with this than I expected to, because I do think that it exists in some spaces, but it definitely isnât what it used to be. This is a good thing.Â
Specific to 9-1-1, this is a show that has that diversity and that isnât afraid of tackling that diversity and giving us interesting and nuanced perspectives and stories embracing that. We have characters of color, women in positions of power, a F/F relationship, two multi-racial relationships, a disabled character, other queer characters including a M/M relationship. There is so much in this show that embraces diversity and that embraces the reality of what the world looks like. To call it queerbait is to disrespect everything else that this show is and has done and the hard storylines that have been tackled that we would not have seen on tv ten years ago.Â
And I get that Buddie would be another breakthrough. It would be a novel way to tell a queer story, and it would be amazing if it were to happen. The set up is there, but it isnât fully realized, and Buck and Eddie can still be read as just friends if we take off the shipping goggles. But it also isnât queerbait or likely to become queerbait and people have to stop calling it that.Â
What Buddie resembles is one of the many unintended slow burn ships that have frustrated viewers in many forms across fandoms and we just have to go along for the ride and maybe it will happen. Or maybe it wonât. But if we know anything about relationships on tv, it is that a lot of the fun comes from the journey, even if the destination is good too.Â
#911 fox#buddie#911 meta#911 on fox#buddie meta#buddie is not queerbaiting#long post#this is almost 2k long
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97 â âItâs not that easy.â for @eddie-diass
from this prompt list
Eddie thinks this should be easy. Heâs spent the last three years of his life not thinking about Buck romantically.
Not that he really succeeded in stopping the thoughts all together, but he did succeed in distracting himself from them, from diving into them and figuring out what they meant. That should be the easy part â finding a distraction. Heâs always been good at that.
He wishes he didnât have to, is the thing. He got out of the hospital and started healing his busted shoulder and realized that life was short and he could die at any second and broke up with Ana and turned around to find his best friend locking lips with Taylor Kelly. Literally, he showed up to work on his first day back to find Buck leaning against his car with Taylor pressed against him like this was an 80s romcom and they were a bunch of lovesick high schoolers.
It stung. It made him bitter and jealous and angry â like he was a lovesick high schooler.
âYouâre mad that I didnât tell you about Taylor,â Buck had said later, when he approached him in the locker room. Eddie rolled his eyes and kept his head in his locker, refusing to look at Buck.
âNo, I knew there was something going on. She was at my damn welcome home party, Buck. Youâre not subtle.â Buck grimaced.
âYou had enough going on, Eds. It just didnât seem that important to bring up.â
Eddie spun around and stared at him, a little dumbfounded.
âYou didnât think your new relationship with your girlfriend was that important?â
Buck froze. He stared blankly at Eddie before his gaze shifted away and his shoulders dropped a little. Eddie watched him run a hand through his hair, step into the locker room and slide onto one of the benches.
âWrong choice of words, maybe,â Definitely. âI just didnât want to bother you with it. You were my priority, you know? Helping you feel better. Still are.â
Eddieâs thought about that line an infinite number of times since it left Buckâs lips.
You were my priority, you know? Helping you feel better. Still are.
Eddie doesnât know how to tell Buck that thatâs weird. That the fact that Eddie, who had a girlfriend at the time, was Buckâs priority, when he also had a girlfriend at the time (and still does, as Eddieâs brain keeps helpfully reminding him), is fucking weird. And itâs probably not fair of him to even try since he just came to the realization himself that the way that theyâve been acting for the last three years is weird as fuck and not the way two best friends who want to stay best friends and only best friends act.
It just hurts that he came to the realization too late.
One day, when Eddieâs stewing up in the loft, trying hard not to be bitter over the fact that he and Buck were about to throw down in a battle of ping pong when Taylor stopped by and swooped him up and out to her car for a chat, and failing â Hen settles down next to him.
He glances at her and she shoots him a sympathetic smile, offering to share the bag of chips sheâs snacking on. He shakes his head but thanks her anyway.
âMust be really bad,â Hen says, focusing on her bag of chips. âTo turn down your favorite chips.â
âHow do you know theyâre my favorite?â Eddie raises an eyebrow. He checks the bag again and â sheâs right. They are his favorite, from his childhood. He never eats them around the station because he likes to save them for special occasions, ones that make him feel like heâs young and naive again.
He has a bag stored at the back of his pantry at home right now. But heâs pretty sure Henâs never seen him eat them.
âBuck put in a special request with Bobby to get them stocked up. He said theyâre your favorite. Something about a childhood treat.â
Eddie doesnât remember telling Buck that. Heâs sure he must have, in passing at some point, probably during his recovery, but he didnât know Buck had latched onto it like that.
He doesnât know what to say to that, so he keeps his mouth shut. Itâs been 10 minutes since Buck left with Taylor. Eddieâs getting antsy. He canât help it when he glances in the direction of the garage again.
âYou should tell him, you know.â
Eddie stares at her, raising his eyebrows again. He can play stupid.
âHm?â Hen stares back at him.
âBuck. About how you feel.â
Eddie feels the blood drain from his face. He looks away from Hen quickly, dropping his eyes to his lap.
âYeah? About what?â
âOh, geez, Eddie, come on. Donât make me spell it out for you.â He doesnât say anything. Hen softens her voice. âListen, I know the way that youâre feeling is scary, I know itâs probably new to you. But you and Buck have a relationship like no one Iâve ever seen â and Iâm including all the married couples I know.â
Eddie shifts in his seat and keeps his eyes averted.
âSeeing him with Taylor is cutting you up inside, Eddie. Every time you see her Iâm afraid to cross through your line of sight because Iâm not trying to get caught in the crossfire of those little eye darts of yours.â
âSo what?â Eddie cuts her off. Heâs never liked people throwing his feelings back at him, not when theyâre already uncomfortable enough to face on his own. He looks up at her and sets his jaw. âI appreciate your concern, Hen, okay? But Iâm not going to tell Buck that I donât like his girlfriend just because...just becauseâŚâ
âBecause youâre in love with him, Eddie.â
Eddie stills. He feels his brain shut off and the panic spike in his chest, feels the fight or flight response kicking in instantly. He struggles to breathe.
âIâm notâŚâ
He is.
âEddie. Itâs okay. Iâm not telling anyone. Iâm just...telling you what I see.â
They sit in silence for a moment. Eddie lets her words settle over him, squares his shoulders and confronts the fact that this is reality. He canât hide from his feelings.
âI canât lose him, Hen,â Eddie says after a moment, his voice so quiet that she barely hears him.
âWatching him with Taylor isnât losing him?â Hen counters. âLook, I get that youâre scared that youâll tell him how you feel and then itâll ruin your friendship forever â but it doesnât have to.â
âItâll change things.â
âMaybe not the way you think,â Hen shifts so sheâs looking Eddie straight in the eye. âThe way you look at him when you think heâs not looking? Thatâs the same way heâs looking at you when your back is turned. Trust me. Iâve been watching it for years.
âEddie, you both went through something traumatic together. You got shot and Buck watched you bleed out. You both thought you were gonna lose each other. In a way, your relationship became stronger after that. But you also realized how important he is to you. And he realized the same thing. Why do you think he rushed into his relationship with Taylor?â
âBecause heâs wanted her for years?â Hen gives him a look.
âBecause sheâs safer. If Buck loses her, itâll hurt like hell but heâll move on. If anything were to happen and he lost you...we both know what would happen.â
âSo why would I tell him?â
âBecause you both love each other. I like Taylor and Iâm glad she and Buck are happy together. But theyâre not gonna last, Eddie. That boy would die for you. No one is ever going to mean as much to him as you and Christopher do, we all know that.â
â...Itâs not that easy,â Eddie says quietly. He looks over as Buck skips back into the garage, shining and grinning big, like he always does after he sees Taylor. Eddieâs heart settles in the pit of his stomach like a rock.
âBe right up there to kick your ass at ping pong, Diaz, donât think I forgot!â Buck calls, before he takes off to the locker room. Eddie swallows.
âThe things that are worth it are rarely easy,â Hen says to him, setting her hand down on one of his and squeezing gently. âHe loves you too, Eddie. Trust me.â
And with that sheâs gone and Eddie struggles to pull himself back together before Buck comes back up the stairs.
Heâs not gonna tell Buck how he feels. Heâll probably have to, eventually, and it terrifies him to think that that might be soon, since apparently everyone around them can clearly see the thing that they keep dancing around.
But he canât do it while Buck is dating Taylor. If Hen thinks theyâre not going to last long, then he can wait until then.
Buckâs happy with her, and Eddie thinks he should be allowed to have someone that makes him feel happy.
Even if itâs not him.
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Soft Eddie thought: the first time he mentions Buck in passing as 'my husband' and then all of a sudden it hits him for the first time that, holy shit, he has a *husband*! And either tears up a little or can't stop smiling.
Hey Nonny, I hope you see this, I know itâs been awhile.Â
Subconsciously Drawn Together
911/Buddie
Eddie would never call what he feels a crush â after all, heâs a grown adult who hasnât had a crush on anyone since Jenny Rodriguez broke his heart in eighth grade by picking Eugene as her lab partner instead of him. (Coincidentally, they are both married to someone named Makayla and neither of them lived outside of Texas for more than a few months).
He always thought that would be him. Not, married to Jenny or Eugene (or either Makayla for that matter), but there was a part of him that knew he was destined to live a quiet life. Marriage, children, maybe a dog and a white picket fence if they wanted to be really cliched. And he was okay with that â he really was. For Eddie, there was no other life than the one laid out for him.
Going to war didnât change that. A poor country boy joining the military to provide for his pregnant wife back home? Even pulp fiction novelists thought it was too obvious. But, again, he never minded living an uninteresting life. Not everyone was destined for adventure and drama. Most people were made to get through the day.
Even when the nightmares came and he struggled to keep his family together, it just seemed like the next chapter in his boring novelization of a life. Everyone had marital troubles after coming home, everyone had bad dreams and phantom pains. Everyone worried where the money would come from to support their family. Everyone snuck into their sonâs room to watch him sleep because they were afraid to admit that theyâd forgotten what he looked like while he was away. Everyone felt guilt and shame and fear and regret. It was a part of life.
And then his wife left and his parents offered to take Christopher and for one moment, the thought crossed his mind. Could he let his son go (be with people who could stay at home and give him the care he needed)? Could he forget about Shannon and move somewhere else? Could he start over (relive his 20s in the carefree manner heâd seen others struggling to find)? Could he run away again and make it stick this time?
By the end of the week, he and Christopher were packed into his truck and headed to Los Angeles.
It didnât feel like running away when he was mumbling his way through the Frozen soundtrack or listening to his son talk about his old schoolâs pet turtle that heâll miss (and wonder what kind of pets the kids in Los Angeles got to have). It didnât feel like running away then. It felt like they were running towards something.
Running towards a new life, of sorts, as it turned out. Sure, he still dealt with his parentsâ criticism, and Shannon came back into their lives and for a moment, it felt like sheâd never left him. But in LA, he had a purpose, he had freedom. For the first time in a long time, Eddie looked forward to opening his door in the mornings; for the first time in a long time, he never knew exactly what to expect, and LA was full of surprises.
The biggest surprise of all was named Evan Buckley.
Buck was a lot of things: a friend, a skilled firefighter, endearingly enthusiastic, subtle as a brick, and the first person outside of his real family that he called âfamilyâ and truly meant it. He loved the men and women he served with in Afghanistan, but the moment they departed at the airport, he lost that connection. Joining the 118 had been a way to get that back and it had worked out fantastically. He had sports fanatics to cheer with, parents of blended families to vent with, people who knew his past and loved him despite it all.
Eddie never told anyone (except his therapist who never commented on it, but made a face that said theyâd circle back to it at a later date), but he felt as though heâd known Buck for years. Once the man opened up to him, the trust he felt was strong, and the way he took an instant affection to Christopher made it easy to let this man into his life.
Within less than a year of joining the LA Fire Department however, his world imploded.
Or exploded, actually. First Shannon died, then Buck was injured, then his son was nearly taken by a natural disaster and he didnât even know it. He spent so much time after that trying to put the pieces back together. For all the things heâd assumed his life would be â a wife and kid and a white picket fence â the only thing he had left was a son now dealing with immense trauma for such a young child to handle. And he had Buck (who was so bright and eager to please that one might describe him as a puppy at times). Nothing of his life had turned out the way it was meant to.
Suddenly, a year had passed since Shannonâs death and his life was still an unrecognizable sort of decagon shape instead of the standard cookie cutter circle. But none of that mattered because he was staring into bright brown eyes and a luminescent smile that was telling him that he was doing a wonderful job of raising Christopher on his own.
Others had been trying to tell him that for years (never the ones whose opinion meant to world to him, but he was learning to let that go) but that beautiful face was so sincere that he forgot himself. He forgot that he was a widow with a grieving son. He forgot the fear and regret that went along with the phantom pains when the weather turned cold. He forgot that he had failed in his ambition to live an entirely ordinary life. For a moment he thought: âwhen she smiles at me, I feel happyâ.
He wanted to feel that way again.
There were several reasons that things just wouldnât work out with Ana. For one: she was Christopherâs teacher, and even if it wasnât against the rules, it still felt wrong. Two: heâd seen the moment she thought differently about him after he yelled at her at school. She was too professional and kind to say anything but even if it was possible, she was definitely no longer interested. The third reason was that he was a firefighter who worked insane hours and when he wasnât at work, he was home with his son. There wasnât exactly a lot of time for dating. Fourth: she wasnât Buck.
That thought had been the one that kept him up at night. It had come to him while he stood in the shower, recounting his day, wondering how long he had until it would be time to pick up Christopher from school. He wasnât feeling overly ambitious so he figured spaghetti and meatballs would be perfect for supper. He wondered what it would be like to cook for someone who wasnât ten years old. Someone he could cook beside without having to keep a constant eye. There were times (in the early days with Shannon) where the two of them would cook together, do laundry, clean, do all the domestic things side by side. She had been insistent that they both learn to care for the house that they shared and he was happy to stand beside her in all things.
Remember to throw Buckâs gym clothes in the laundry next time he comes over. He keeps forgetting to throw them in his basket.
A simple little thought, really. Heâd thought it before. His friend would leave his gym bag by the door for work and forget to empty it out when he went to do laundry. It was unlikely that anyone other than Eddie noticed the state of Buckâs clothes, but heâd been paying closer attention to him lately. Like how after the train derailment, his smile seemed easier; his shoulders relaxed more often â especially when he was with the 118 or Christopher. Buck seemed happy now that heâd gotten his closure from Abby.
He deserves to be happy. He makes me feel happy.
Buck did make him feel happy. The way he interacted with Christopher, the way he entrusted his son to this man without a second thought. But even when Christopher wasnât around, Eddie enjoyed Buckâs company. Going to baseball games (dragging him, more like), sitting together when the crew went out for drinks after work. With Buck, he feltâŚ
Safe.
Which wasnât surprising, really. Buck was a kind man. Sweet and thoughtful. He put otherâs first â just like Eddie does, he could hear Frankâs voice in his mind â and cared deeply about the people in his life. Not to mention, he was physically a very strong figure. In some other life, he and Buck met on the wrestling circuit but never fought. Him: with his MMA, and Buck: with his Greco-Roman Wrestling. With those broad shoulders and firm arms, he wouldnât mind being pulled into a stronghold once or twice.
He knew Buck was conventionally attractive from the day they met. There was no hiding the sharp blue eyes or curly blond hair and rounded jaw.
Nothing like Ana.
Another correct statement that still seemed ominous in context. Why was he comparing Buck to Ana â or Shannon, for that matter? It wasnât fair to compare friends to lovers. Although, Buck did fit into several categories on both sides.
Buck was a loyal friend, caring and trustworthy. He made Eddie and Christopher feel safe and loved. He wanted to do Buckâs laundry. He thought he was attractive. Slowly, one side of the column began to build in size.
Perhaps Buck was a bigger part of Eddieâs life than he realized. He hadnât thought seriously about dating anyone until Ana and that never felt right but BuckâŚ
Buck always felt right. Like he belonged with them. Like heâd known them all his life.
Could it be that Eddie wanted something other than friendship? Had he been climbing the wrong ladder all this time only to find himself at the top with no way across? After all: Buck had never given any indication that he was romantically interested in Eddie.
Though, to be fair, Eddie had given no indication either.
But that was because heâd just figured it out. Surely Buck had some idea that best friends didnât act the way they did. Or maybe he didnât. Maybe he wasnât interested, in any way, with Eddie. Could he forget it and go back to the way things were? Now that his fingers seemed to tingle with the new realization, could he take it back? Could he put those feelings in a box until someone else came along?
Would there be anyone else?
What did he want to happen with Buck?
Kissing him, for starters, might be interesting. Those plump, pink lips exploring his entire body. Having someone in his bed every night would be nice â and not just anyone, but someone who understood his work and the stressors of the day. If anyone was going to stand by his side while he freaked out about Christopher going on his first date, it should be Buck. Next to Eddie, that man was the most protective when it came to that little boy. Heâd only seen it once or twice but Eddie knew that Buck looked good in a suit. Would he look even better in a tux? Years from now, when he retired from the LAFD, it would be nice to feel the weight of a ring on his finger, knowing he had someone he loved waiting at home.
Oh.
Oh damn.
Eddieâs shower ran a little bit longer than expected that day.
That simple thought had sent him on a spiral two weeks ago and every night that he struggled to fall asleep, he found himself rolling to the empty side of the bed, wondering what it would be like to wake up next to his best friend.
The conclusion he inevitably came to: it would be wonderful.
If the worlds aligned, of course. He hadnât spoken to anyone about his sudden, escalating realization (not even Frank). There was no way to know if Buck reciprocated his feelings in any way. Though he knew with uncanny certainty that he would be safe to confess his feelings without fear of losing his relationship entirely, it still seemed safer to gather more information before making any sort of move.
Iâm safe with Buck no matter what.
So, no. Eddie would not describe what he felt for Buck as a simple âcrushâ.
It was everything.
------------------------------
The accident scene was a mess. It always was. They so rarely rolled up on an event that was neatly organized â not that it would make him any less stressed or worried for the safety of his patients. It was his job to worry, to be surrounded by chaos. Perhaps that was his new normal now, and his idea of an ordinary life had shifted to one that involved heavier boots.
There was still a sense of satisfaction and ease, knowing that he got to go home to his son every night, that he was helping people, and there were people in his life who loved and supported him. Unlike his old army mates (as strong as those relationships were), he also knew that if he woke up and decided to be a baker instead of a firefighter, the 118 would still treat him as one of their own.
Perhaps âbakerâ wasnât the best example, baking had never been one of his favourite activities. A florist, or a construction worker, maybe. Firefighting meant a lot to him but it wasnât his calling â the way it was for his⌠for Buck. How would the man react if one day, Eddie told him that they would no longer be partners in work? There was no doubt in his mind that Buck would still be over on Thursday nights with pizza and video games. And perhaps if Eddie was working more regular hours, he could go over to Buckâs on occasion and make dinner for the three of them. That would be a nice surprise. Buck would smile that impossibly bright smile and open his arms to Christopher, swinging the boy around gently because he was overly cautious about roughhousing with him â something that only made Eddieâs heart beat faster. Then, Buck would make his way over to Eddie and kiss him with a sort of reverence; like he canât quite believe that Eddieâs real. He could rest assured that the feeling was mutual.
What a ridiculously outdated fantasy. Heâd clearly grown up watching too much âI Love Lucyâ.
The firefighter shook his head as he hopped out of the truck, turning his thoughts towards the work at hand.
That was something heâd always been good at: focus and calm under pressure. It was what had made becoming a firefighter so appealing. Sure, being a combat medic meant he was more than qualified for field rescues, but all that stoic strength he possessed was better used at work rather than at home. At home, he could be Christopherâs dad. At work, he was Firefighter Diaz.
There was no room for fantasies in Firefighter Diazâs mind.
The chaos of the accident mostly consisted of cries of pain from passengers trapped in their vehicles as they tried in vain to free themselves before the qualified company could arrive. It wasnât uncommon to come across a major pile up in the middle of the day, when Angelenos werenât kept at a complete standstill, and impatient drivers were a staple of life in the LAFD.
Eddie took his orders from Bobby, clearing a path of bystanders for the heavy equipment, and assisting those who were stuck somewhere between freeing themselves and receiving a particularly crude hemicorporectomy. For all the noise, it was a relatively calm affair. Sure, some were screaming and crying â and one woman definitely threw a fit when told to climb out the passenger-side window of her shattered vehicle. But those in need of help received the assistance they required, and the worst injury they encountered was a broken rib and neck bruise from a young man who remained conscious throughout his entire extraction.
It was messy, it was chaotic, it was loud, but it was all right. There were still a few people with minor concussions and bloody wounds that could hopefully be tended to at the scene (most of them unwilling to take the ambulance ride if it wasnât strictly necessary). He was admittedly a little hyper-focused today, his mind fighting the urge to wander away from its regular duties. Eddie chided himself for feeling so lovesick at work. Heâd gone all this time loving Buck, he could handle a few more hours. It was that hyper focus which would be his undoing.
âAll right, I think youâre going to be just fine. Head on over to my husband over there and heâll get you some gauze for your arm.â
An innocent enough sentence â one that didnât register in his mind through the haze of moving from one patient to the next â but one that only fed into that dangerous fantasy of his.
âWhat did you call Buck?â
And one that Chimney had apparently heard loud and clear.
Eddie blinked, as he kept his eyes trained on the man before him (some poor bystander whoâd bumped his head when heâd stumbled backwards to avoid the oncoming collisions), determined to remain professional in the face of his own idiocy.
Clicking his penlight on with a little too much enthusiasm, he shook the device over his patientâs face. âCan you look up, sir?â Eddie felt his coworkerâs eyes trained on him but he kept his focus on his work. As he continued his examination, Chimney crept closer, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and amusement but still, the ex-soldier remained stoic as ever. Some part of Eddie knew that ignoring his friend now would only lead to a confrontation later but right now, he had work to do. And dividing his attention between his duty and his teasing friends was not how he wanted to spend his afternoon. So, he stayed focused. After a few moments, he saw Chimney shake his head and move away, letting Eddie take a much-needed breath of relief.
He was safe from his own stupid brain. For now.
Eddie knew it was coming when Chimney let him be during the rest of their scene cleanup. It was inevitable; but knowing and experiencing were two entirely separate matters.
âSo.â Chimney wore what could only be described as a âshit-eating grinâ as he began his sentence, pulling all eyes in the back of the truck to him. âIs there something that Buck and Eddie would like to tell us?â
Buck, innocent as ever, turned to Eddie for guidance. âNoâŚ?â Eddie could only stare out the window, sorely tempted to remove his headphones if only to prolong the inevitable conversation. Was he blushing or was his face simply burning from the inside out?
âAre you sure?â The man was unrelenting, his voice growing higher with his escalating amusement. As if giving them a chance to confess would be easier than Chimney spilling the truth.
Not that there was any truth to confess. There was just one, very, very, idiotic man who got one simple crush and couldnât keep it in his pants.
âChim, whatâs going on?â
There were two options Eddie faced in this moment where his head filled with warning sirens (not dissimilar to the ones that normally filled the truck). He could come clean and confess his sins to the team, facing the consequences with what meager amount of dignity he had left. Or, he could lie and pretend Chimney had misheard him, and they could all go about their day. That seemed the safer option. Of course, he hated lying to his team â to his friends â but what was the alternative?
âI called Buck my husband at the scene.â
Apparently, the alternative was exclaiming his idiocy in front of his teammates and denying the flash of a smile on his partnerâs face. It was a simple upturn twitch of his lip, hardly noticeable, but the only opinion that mattered to Eddie as he gave his confession was from the man sitting across from him â and he was decidedly attuned to Buckâs ever-changing expressions. On a normal day, he enjoyed the way their knees bumped as the truck bounced through the streets of Los Angeles; it was just another reminder of how connected they were. Now, it made the space between them feel too close â yet still not close enough.
Buckâs face, upon hearing the news that Eddie had tied them together in the mind of some random stranger, flickered once before falling to something neutral and curious (almost amused). As if he was studying something.
âOh, I donât mind.â His partner shrugged and Eddieâs heart stopped. âWere they hitting on you?â
Again, Eddie appeared at a crossroads. âNo.â And chose the more embarrassingly honest answer.
âWere they hitting on me?â
âNo.â So many forks in his path but he continued to veer in one direction, as Buck furrowed his brows in confusion.
âThen why did youâ
âI donât know.â Eddie tried to sound casual as he grumblingly cut him off before he could continue his innocent interrogation. Through the headset, he could hear Chimney snort in disbelief but his eyes remained solely locked on his partner.
He knew why Chimney might scoff at his dismissal â those type of slipups didnât âjust happenâ, after all â but it was as close to the truth as he could muster. He didnât know why heâd said what he said. His mind was still frazzled from long hours contemplating what he wanted and what he felt.
Apparently, his subconscious had taken over and now he had his answer.
An answer which was decidedly too large to attempt to unpack while he was still on duty.
He wanted Buck to be his husband. He was ready to get married again â and to his best friend, no less. All wonderful information to process at another time.
The rest of the trip back to the station was filled with noise: the roar of the engine, the shout of the horn when someone inevitably cut them off, the clank of metal against metal. Eddieâs head was silent. He stared out the window at the passing world, feeling the eyes of his partner drilling into his cheek for a time, and then return to his phone. No one spoke, but the absence of voice was deafening. Teasing or pestering would have been better than the juxtaposing silence that told him everyone knew what heâd meant.
Buck had given him every out for his little mistake and, instead, Eddie had barreled straight into his own demise. There was no other explanation as to why heâd said what he said: heâd meant it. Or wanted to mean it, rather. Sure, his dirty little secret had been outed, but Buck had yet to make a comment one way or the other.
I donât mind.
One friend helping out another: that was what it meant to Buck. And he loved that. But there was no mistaking now what Eddie felt in his heart.
He wanted it to mean something else.
Climbing out of the truck at the end of their journey was harder than usual. The silent stares wouldnât stop because they were back at the station, it would only be worsened by the fact that there was nothing else to focus on. Eddie never prayed for a call â and he still wouldnât now â but if there was any mercy in the world, he could avoid all of his friends and co-workers for the rest of their shift.
Simple enough.
âHey.â Eddie cursed at the familiar voice following him towards the cubbies. Naturally, they were alone, naturally, there was no real excuse to leave â and apparently, heâd decided to suppress his ability to tell white lies for the sake of his pride today â naturally, his heart pounded behind his eyelids as Buck stopped jogging in front of him.
âI just want to sayâŚâ and here came the inevitable turndown Eddie dreaded and secretly hoped would never come. âItâs okay, I get it.â Buckâs smile was small but sincere. That man couldnât be anything less than sincere.
Itâs one of the reasons why I lo-
âIt was just a slip of the tongue,â Eddie cut off his own thoughts before they betrayed him the way his subconscious had. He needed at least some of his faculties to survive the day. âDonât worry about it.â
He stepped to the side, intending to escape his own personal hell â was it always this hot in the station? Did they always stand so close to one another? How had he never realized his feelings before now? â but Buck blocked his path.
âNo, really, itâs fine.â Was Buck blushing now? âI kind of think of you as my work-husband, too.â
Another perfect opportunity for an out. He could flounder excuses about being tired and meaning it in a work-related setting the way Buck implied.
âRight.â His words sounded weak to his own ears. Who knew what they sounded like to Buck, as the man finally let him pass. Freedom secured, Eddie quickened his pace so as to escape the curious eyes of his fellow crewmates as quickly as possible.
Or at least, that was the plan, until Buck called out: âBut you know, Iâm free tonight if you wanted to talk about it.â
It felt as though the world stopped spinning â but the distant sound of clanking cutlery from the loft reminded him that it had not. His stomach dropped into his shoes, and his skin burst into flames from the buzzing in his ears. Eddie pivoted on his heel slowly to face his partner, uncertain heâd even heard the words heâd said. But there was Buck, blushing as brightly as he felt, but smiling a much more lopsided grin.
âTalk about what?â He cautiously asked.
Buck moved first, filling the minimal space Eddie had put between them with his broad chest and bright, eager eyes. He smelled of smoke and pine (despite interacting with neither today) and a thin sheen of sweat made him appear more disheveled than perhaps he was. Had he always been so intoxicating? What were they talking about?
âAbout being husbands⌠outside of work.â
âWhat?â Now Eddie was certain that heâd misheard his friend.
Buck simply smirked in response to his question, eyes moving slowly over Eddieâs face. He was always examining, questioning, confident. He had been doomed from the start.
âChristopherâs in bed at eight, right?â
âWeâre pushing it to eight-thirty.â His mouth moved on autopilot, too stunned to comprehend the sudden shift in subject.
Again, Buckâs blue eyes circled his face slowly, absorbing all Eddieâs focus as he felt himself physically affected from the mere sight of his partner with his knowing grin and wandering eye. So entranced was he, that he didnât notice how closely the other man had leaned into his space until he felt his hot breath against his skin. Eddie swallowed the lump in his throat.
He was absolutely doomed.
When Buck spoke, his tongue danced along his teeth, an enticing show of some unfulfilled fantasy that had never occurred to Eddie in the first place.
âThen Iâll be there at eight-thirty-one.â
Buckâs flirtatious demeanor melted into a giddy smile that snapped through the tension heâd pulled between them. âI was a little- a lot worried you didnât feel the same.â He confessed, still filling Eddieâs space with his infectious energy. One word from him, and Eddie melted.
âYouâŚwereâŚâ No more words filled his mind beyond a string of victorious swears and the sound of panicked cheering, but Buck seemed to understand him nonetheless. Buck had always understood him.
âIâll see you tonight.â
If he hadnât been so preoccupied with using the truck to keep his legs underneath him, he would have turned to see Buck walk away, pumping his fist in excitement. As it was, several crewmembers looked on from the balcony, shaking their heads at the pair of idiots acting like lovesick teenagers over a single date.
Chimney shooed them all away before taking the opportunity to shout: âBuck, tell your husband that lunch is ready.â Which earned him more than a few chuckles from the firefighters upstairs, and two overexaggerated groans from the men below.
They were definitely not going to be living this down for a while.
For once, Eddie didnât mind â and if the grin plastered on Buckâs face for the rest of the shift was any indication, neither did he.
#cj writes things#911 fox#911 on fox#911 fic#911 fan fic#eddie diaz#evan buckley#buddie#buddie fic#friends to fiances#introspection#pining
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Falling For You | Buddie
⥠Pairing: Buddie
⥠Genre: Fluff, First Kiss, Confession
⥠Word Count: 1k+
⥠Prompt Request: âI think Iâm falling in love with you.â Buck x Eddie. P.S: Happy 300 followers!!Â
⥠Warnings: Brief mention of the shooting/Eddie being injured
⥠Summary: Eddie overhears Buckâs confessions.
⥠Note: Thank you so much for the request, Emma (@lonely-writerâ). I hope you like it. Not betaâd so excuse the mistakes that I am blind to
A muted yawn leaves Buck as he makes his way through the Diaz house in the early hours of the morning. He keeps his steps and movements quiet, as Christopher is sleeping soundly, and thereâs still about an hour before Buck needs to wake him for school.
Eddie should be up soon, as heâs quite the early riser, but since Buckâs been staying over, heâs made sure to wake up before him, so he can cook breakfast and do some morning chores. Least the still recovering firefighter try to do them himself, despite Buck insisting he not.
Flipping on the kitchen light switch, he enters the cozy space and heads over to the instant coffee machine to click it on.Â
Itâs become part of his morning routine now, though Buckâs not the biggest java drinker in the world, Eddie had mentioned once that he finds the smell of coffee in the morning relaxing, and thus he makes sure Eddie gets that.
Once that is brewing, he heads over to the laundry room to switch the towels heâd stuck in the washer before bed into the dryer and take out Christopherâs clothes from it as well. He hadnât realized how much more laundry you do with a kid in the house. Not that he minds as he finds the task relaxing and likes knowing heâs helping.
He grabs one of the baskets they keep in the closet, placing it atop the dryer as he begins taking Christopherâs clothes out, neatly folding and sorting each one into the basket.Â
When it comes to his own clothing, heâs hardly ever this precise, more of the stick it in a drawer and pull it out and go type, but this is for Christopher, so heâs always careful to take his time.
One shirt he takes out of the dryer, causes a soft smile to spread across his face as he sees the dolphin splayed across it. He actually bought it for Christopher.
Heâd gotten it awhile back when the three of them visited the aquarium together. Theyâd had a blast that day and on the way out Christopher had seen the shirt and instantly wanted it.
Eddie was going to buy it, but Buck insisted on it, just to see the smile on the shining boy's face. Folding it gently, he places it gently and the back and continues with the rest.
As he works his thoughts drift back to his current predicamentâthough not willinglyâbecause if given the choice, heâd ignore the troublesome feelings that have been festering inside him for weeks now.Â
Or maybe much longer than that, though heâs not exactly sure when he fell for his best friend. Maybe someday he could sit down and figure it out, that is if ever got the courage to actually admit how he felt to Eddie.Â
Not too likely, considering he can still barely admit it to himself.
Itâs scary, acknowledging that youâve been pining, longing for someone so close to you, especially when youâre around them every single day. Even worse when youâve experienced the earth shattering fear of losing them. It causes an urgent gnawing at your heart, and an urge to confess those feelings, even if it could mean ruining the dear friendship youâve grown.
Because youâve finally had to face the reality that you might not always have the option.
Heâs been unsure what to do with the weight of the emotions, knowing he didnât want to talk to anyone about it, and instead choosing to actually research various ways to confess on his own.Â
One website heâd come across last night before falling asleep claimed he should practice how he would like the conversation to go aloud. Something about it helping your confidence and making the actual talk go smoother.
He snorts at that.
As if him telling Eddie he was in love with him would go his way.
And yet, his cobalt eyes still flicker to the laundry room doorway, ears listening for sounds of any movement. As far as he could tell Eddie must still be sleeping, which meant thereâs nobody around to hear him.
Biting his lip, he finishes folding the last of Christopherâs clothes and opens the washer to quickly move the towels over.
Once heâs all done he places both of his hands on the sleek metal dryer as the cycle begins and it starts rumbling on.Â
Maybe, he could at least try.
His eyes close, and he inhales a sharp breath, and before he knows it his feelings are welling with him, and slipping past his lips as he imagines the way it would go. Him actually having the courage to tell Eddie his hidden truth.
âEddie. Um, itâs Buck.â
Wait, why would I say that? Iâd be standing in front of him.
Scratch that.
âEddie, I have something I need to tell you.â
Eddie will of course give him that breathtaking smile, and his hazel eyes will look right through him as they always do.
Buck gulps as he imagines it, his shoulders tightening as he struggles with what to say next.
âWell, the truth is, IâŚâ He trails off, biting down on his lower lip as he wills himself to just spit it out.
Eddie will be confused, and Buck will feel bad about hesitating so much.Â
After all, why should he be so nervous in the first place? Even if Eddie doesnât feel the same way--which Buck is sure he doesnât--he wouldnât be a jerk about it. He would let him off easy, be respectful about it. Buck trusted in that.
Exhaling softly, he letâs the words heâs never dared say, flow freely.
âI think Iâm falling in love with you, Eddie. I have been for a long time, and I need you to know that, becauseâŚâ Buck winces as the memory of Eddie, injured and bloodied laying on the ground flashes in his mind. âBecause I would be a fool not to tell you that, and because I canât stand the thought of losing you. Ever.â
Buck stands still for a moment, processing the feeling of finally voicing how heâs felt. Itâs akin to stepping outside on a sunny day, and feeling the fresh air blowing against you.
But then, as quickly as that feeling comes, itâs gone, as Eddie-the real one--speaks up from behind him, âEvan.â
Buckâs eyes snap open as he whirls around in surprise, coming face to face with Eddie, whose eyebrows are knitted together, his lips in a tight line.
âFuck. D-Did you hear me?â He blurts out, dread lacing every word as he internally panics.
A million questions cross Buckâs mind. How could he be so stupid? How could he forget to make sure nobody was coming? Eddie must have heard everything.
Heâs not sure what Eddie seeâs on his face, but before he knows it, the hazel eyed man steps closer to him and murmurs, âI did, but calm down, itâs okay.â He assures him.
âItâs okay? Okay? Do you even realize what you just heard? I-I you werenât supposed too-â
Buckâs rambling is cut off by Eddie closing the distance between him as he brings his free, uninjured hand up and pulls Buck to him.Â
It takes Buck a moment to process that theyâre kissing, really and truly kissing. Eddieâs lips against his, sweet and chaste.
When he pulls away, Buck is still stunned, the amount of questions in his mind now multiplied, but Eddie speaks before he can.
âI didnât expect to tell you this way, overhearing you say it to my laundry machines, but I donât mind it. The truth is that⌠Iâve fallen in love with you too.â
The air seems to have left Buckâs lungs as he and Eddie lock gazes with Eddie, both their eyes smoldering with heavy emotion. Theyâre both leaning in for another kiss within the next second, and Buck doesnât want it to end.
However, life has other ideas as Christopherâs gentle voice calls through the house, âDad! Buck! Where are you?â
They pull away from each other immediately, both their faces burning, and smiling from ear to ear.
âWe should talk about this after we take Chris to school, okay?â Eddie starts, the first one to break the silence.
Buck nods, liking the sound of that. âYeah, that sounds good. You go check on him, Iâll get your coffee and start on breakfast.â
âWhat would I do without you?â Eddie laughs as he turns and walks off to get Christopher.
Buck freezes however, because despite hearing Eddie say that exact line several times, it now has a new meaning that leaves him breathless.
God, has he fallen for Eddie Diaz.
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what he deserves
Ship: Buck/Eddie
Summary: It had to be done - someone had to do it, to make sure Buck got the best in life, what he truly wanted. As the old adage says, âif you love someone, let them go.â Eddie could only hope it paid off in the end, because it really wasnât feeling as though it would.
Words: 2.4k
Eddie didnât want to be angry at Buck - it felt wrong, went against every fibre of his being, to feel so pissed off with Buck, of all people, his best friend, his partner, the most selfless man he knew, who would never do anything with the intent of hurting anyone else.
But anger was easy. Anger was familiar, being consumed by a burning rage was comfortable, easy, no matter how much he didnât like it - no matter how much it scared Eddie, because it was too easy - and he couldnât afford to fall back into old habits.
What Eddie was certain of, however, was that he would rather be pissed off at Buck, he would rather risk going back to what he swore to himself, to Buck, that he would never do again, than move beyond the anger. Because he didnât know what would lie beyond it, but he was sure it would be a hell of a lot more frightening than all of the possibilities which anger provided him with.
He knew if he hadnât stopped attending therapy as soon as it had stopped being mandated for him, that his therapist would have most likely told him that he had to move past anger, that he had to acknowledge what he really felt, but that was bullshit. Therapy had never really been Eddieâs thing, anyways.
So Eddie would sit and let his anger stew for a while, letting it simmer inside, burning him up from the insides - he deserved it anyway, he thought, as he tried desperately to make excuses to his own mind as to why it was right for him to do what he so clearly knew to be wrong.
He deserved to hurt himself by letting the anger build, he decided, because he simply managed to miss that something was so significantly wrong with Buck, that he wasnât - wouldnât be - happy in their relationship. Eddie had never wanted to do anything but protect and love Buck, but he had done nothing but fail at that, evidently.
It was all just made worse by the fact that Buck didnât say anything, that he never had. He had never mentioned that he wanted more, that just Christopher and Eddie couldnât be enough for him.
Instead, Eddie found out because he simply happened to walk past at just the right - or as it felt, wrong - time.
âIâve always wanted a kid of my own.â
That was all it took. Eddie didnât even know what on Earth Buck had been talking about with Chim for that to come up, but it had, and that was all that mattered.
Eddie would bend over backwards for Buck, he would do almost anything he could to make things as good as they could be for him, because he deserved it, but of course, the one thing that Buck wanted, was the one thing that Eddie was unable to provide.
A child. Of his own.
Eddie had always known that Buck loved children - he had made that clear from very early on in their friendship, and the way he was with Christopher was proof. Buck had proven that he would walk through hell and back for him, and Eddie knew that Buck was his sonâs absolute favourite person in the world. He had always figured that would be enough for Buck, had always hoped it would be, because Eddie couldnât give Buck a child of his own, nor was he sure if he was in a position in his life to have another child, if it were even a distant possibility.
As he thought about it, the anger began to dissipate, much to Eddieâs disappointment, because he knew what was coming.
Waves of sadness began to wash over him, and as they crashed and crashed, it felt like he was drowning. He preferred the violent, scorching pain of rage, to this dull, aching feeling that left him desperately gasping for breath, for a tiny bit of happiness, that was nowhere to be found.
Eddie hated to wallow in self-pity, but it was better to sit alone and sulk than to force anyone else to deal with his chaos, his broken heart.
Because he knew, no matter how much he wished he could, that he would do whatever it took to make Buck happy.
The strange selflessness was proof of Buckâs impact, proof of all of the ways he had changed Eddie for the better. And now Eddie had to do just one thing, one tiny thing, for the betterment of Buckâs life.
He had to let go, no matter how much it hurt, or how much he hated doing it. Buck would never do it for himself, not even if it was holding him back from happiness.
--
Eddie wasnât sure which had been harder - breaking up with Buck, watching his crestfallen expression, which did nothing to make Eddie feel better about breaking his own heart on some Buck-esque self-sacrificial attempt at doing the right thing, or telling Christopher that Dad and Buck werenât dating anymore, that Buck wouldnât spend almost every night with them anymore. Both just made Eddie wish he could have stayed oblivious, that it then wouldnât have been him that was the bad guy who had to do the breaking up - which, he had realised, would probably lead to him being alienated at work (they had all always liked Buck more than him, not that he could fault them for that, he felt the same way, but it meant that there would be hell to pay for hurting him, even though it was for Buck) - and who had to break the news to his son.
But it had to be done - someone had to do it, to make sure Buck got the best of life, what he truly wanted. As the old adage says, âif you love someone, let them go.â Eddie could only hope it paid off in the end, because it really wasnât feeling as though it would.
--
When Eddie turned up to the 118 for his next shift, it was clear everyone knew what had happened. Buck had told Maddie, who had told Chim, and before long, the entire firehouse knew exactly what Eddie had done.
Eddie Diaz had been just the next in line to break Buckâs heart, just as Abby had before him, which he had sworn to never do. He was certain he was angrier at himself for doing so than anyone else, but he also knew it was for the best. It was for Buck. It had to be.
But all of the excuses he had for his actions within his head meant nothing to the others, who refused to so much as talk to him in passing, which only felt worse, because their shift was so quiet, and they were stuck there, just them.
While Hen, Chimney, Bobby and Buck sat up in the kitchen, each doing their own thing but sharing the space, Eddie had isolated himself to the gym - it was easier to be on his own of his own volition, and to pretend it wasnât essentially going to be forced upon him.
Eddie tried to lose himself in what he was doing, tried to get each punch to the bag to take him further out of his mind, with little success, although it had rendered him unaware enough of his surroundings that he had not noticed Hen walking up behind him for far too long, not until she cleared her throat to get his attention.
He kept his back turned to her, not particularly keen to be chewed out for breaking up with Buck, for hurting him, when Buck was hardly the most hurt in the situation.
âEddie, what happened?â She asked, as Eddie continued to try and tune her out. âYou were both so happy.â
Eddie rolled his eyes at Henâs words, because thatâs what he had thought too, but he kept his focus firmly on the punching bag in front of him.
âClearly not,â he muttered, not even sure that Hen would hear him, but she did, and reached out to touch his shoulder, causing him to turn around.
âLook, I canât deal with you berating me for upsetting poor little Buck right now, okay, and I donât think itâs really even your place to get involved.â
Eddie felt a little bad for snapping at her, but at the same time, he didnât have the capacity to deal with the consequences of actions he hadnât even wanted to take - not yet.
Hen, however, was clearly unbothered, used to dealing with people far ruder than Eddie, on what could be as often as a daily basis, in their job.
âHey, I havenât come here for Buck. I wanted to make sure you are okay, this canât have been easy on you, and I hope you donât think we are all against you.â
That made Eddie feel the slightest bit better, to have someone who wasnât against him, when even he himself was conflicted on it, but it left him unsure as to what to say, because he wasnât okay, but any attempt at a lie, Hen would almost immediately see right through him. He had to try anyway.
âIâm fine Hen, it's fine.â
As he predicted, Hen immediately gave him a look along the lines of are you fucking kidding me, not taking his bullshit for one moment.
âNo its not, Eddie, and if you donât want to talk about it with me, fine, but for the love of God, please talk to someone, okay?â After a moment where neither spoke, she began walking away, but briefly turned around - âYou are as much our family as Buck is. Itâs not that we donât care about you, or blame you, itâs just much harder to tell when something is wrong than with Buck.â
Any other time he would have rolled his eyes at what she was saying, but to be honest, he appreciated the reassurance, because when they were all ignoring him, but were so concerned about Buck, it stung, just a bit, even if he deserved it.
âHe wants a kid.â
Hen faced Eddie again, furrowing her eyebrows as she tried to work out what Eddie meant - Buck had always been so happy with Eddie and with Christopher.
âI heard him say it to Chimney. He wants a kid, one of his own.â
Eddie looked up from his hands, which he had been fiddling with as he spoke softly, to see Hen looking at him pityingly, but also to see Chim walking towards them, seemingly summoned by his name.
âAw, Eddie, are you sure he meant that? Maybe it was out of context? Because you know that Buck loves Christopher like his own.â
âWell clearly that wasnât enough for him!â He exclaimed, anger flooding through his veins as he tried to rein it back in - it wasnât Henâs fault that he hadnât been enough for Buck, the same way he hadnât been enough for Shannon. âSo itâs done now. He can go off and find some woman and have a kid of his own. Itâd be unfair of me to hold him back from that.â
Chim must have been close enough to hear what Eddie was saying, as a look of realisation, mixed with the same pity on Henâs, painted his face.
âThatâs not what he was saying, you know? Buck is so in love with you, and Christopher is his entire world. You are both everything that he has ever wanted.â
Eddie looked at Chim curiously, confused, because Chim had been a part of the initial conversation, and what he was saying seemed so far the opposite of what he had heard.
âBuck has always wanted a kid of his own, and he has one now, thanks to you - or he did.â
Eddie wondered if Hen and Chim could tell that the only thing he could think was oh shit. He had just ruined the best relationship he had ever been in over a misunderstanding.
âGo get him back, Eddie,â Hen said, smiling, and Eddie knew he had to do just that.
He made his way up the stairs to the kitchen area, trying to work out how on Earth he could grovel enough to make up for what he did. Eddie found Buck sat alone, Bobby having returned to his office.
âBuck, I- uh, I need to apologise,â Eddie began, looking at Buck, his eyes red and puffy, which just tugged on his heartstrings to see, knowing he was the cause.
Buck wouldnât even look up at him.
âI, uh, heard you talking to Chim.â
Eddie watched as Buck looked up, horror all over his face.
âIâm so sorry, I didnât mean to overstep Eddie, I know Christopher is just your son and always will be, I just⌠love you both.â
Buckâs apology confused Eddie for a moment, because none of this was remotely his fault, Buck hadnât said anything wrong - what part of the conversation was he even referring to? - but was he surprised by the show of Buckâs self-flagellating nature? Not particularly - Buck never had mastered being nice to himself.
âOverstep? You are my best friend, we are family! You could never! I thought you didnât want us anymore.â
It was Buckâs turn to look confused, his head tilted to the side as he looked up towards Eddie.
âWhy would you think that?â
âYou said that you wanted a kid of your own, and I canât give that to you!â
Buckâs eyes widened as Eddie spoke, eventually a slight smile appearing as he realised what had happened.
âAnd you didnât listen past that? Eddie, you should know that you and Chris are all I need, or want.â
Begrudgingly, Eddie smiled slightly too.
âYeah I should have, shouldnât I?â
Buck stood up and made his way to where Eddie was standing, pulling him tight.
âIâm so glad I didnât lose you,â Buck murmured, speaking softly into Eddieâs shoulder, his eyes welling up slightly with relief and joy.
âI love you, Buck.â
Eddie smiled as he said that, but before Buck was able to say it back, the bell began to ring out through the station, causing them to pull apart, rolling their eyes.
As they raced down the stairs to meet with the rest of the team, they were greeted with a grateful chorus of cheers from their friends.
They grinned, and Buck lent over to kiss Eddie on his cheek.
âYeah, yeah, we know, youâre back together, but please, do not subject us to your ridiculous PDA. We do not need to see that.â
#911#911 fox#buddie#buck#eddie diaz#evan buckley#henrietta wilson#howard han#chimney#911 tv#fanfic#buddie fanfiction#fanfiction#911 fanfic
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The Whole Story (Buddie)
Summary:Â Eddie told him that he trusts Buck, that none of it was Buckâs fault. He told Buck that the way Christopher sees it, Buck saved him. And thatâs enough for Eddie.Â
But itâs not enough for Buck.
Eddie only knows Christopherâs side of the story and Buck canât accept the trust and the forgiveness when he knows that Eddie doesnât have the whole story. It would be so easy to just move forward, to never tell Eddie what really happened, to accept this forgiveness and move on.
Except it isnât easy, and every day Buck doesnât talk to Eddie about it feels like a day heâs lying to him.
Warnings: thereâs talk about things that happened in the tsunami episodes!
Word count: 2,868
A/N: I swear I tried to just casually enjoy this show but then I got a fic idea and it wouldnât leave me alone
AO3
Two weeks after the tsunami, things have mostly returned to normal. Itâs slightly unnerving for Buck to see life go on as if nothing happened, when so much did happen and when he finds it difficult to move past that.
Things are good, he tells himself. His wounds have mostly healed by now, just pink scars left where he nearly bled out. His body doesnât ache when he moves, not like it did when he was finally able to rest when he saw Christopher safe in Eddie's arms, like it did for days afterwards.
Itâs not his body thatâs the problem here.
Itâs his mind, itâs how he canât seem to get a moment of peace from the memories. He hasnât dared to go near the beach, when just taking a shower nearly sends him to a panic attack. He doesnât remember when was the last time when he slept and didnât dream, when was the last time he didnât scream himself awake. When he didnât wake up screaming for Christopher.
And itâs his heart, how the guilt weighs heavy in his chest, even after the short conversation he had with Eddie when he dropped Christopher off at his place a couple days after the tsunami. Christopher has come over many times after that, and when Buck is with him there are moments when itâs a little easier to breathe, when he can see with his own eyes that Christopher is okay.
But always, without a doubt, his mind supplies him with âbut not thanks to youâ .
Eddie told him that he trusts Buck, that none of it was Buckâs fault. He told Buck that the way Christopher sees it, Buck saved him. And thatâs enough for Eddie.
But itâs not enough for Buck.
Eddie only knows Christopherâs side of the story and Buck canât accept the trust and the forgiveness when he knows that Eddie doesnât have the whole story. It would be so easy to just move forward, to never tell Eddie what really happened, to accept this forgiveness and move on.
Except it isnât easy, and every day Buck doesnât talk to Eddie about it feels like a day heâs lying to him.
He tried, the first time, but it was clear that Eddie didnât want to hear it. Buck knows that Eddie isnât one to have heavy conversations, especially ones that have a high chance of turning emotional, and he knows that the way heâs avoiding the longer, more detailed story of the day of the tsunami is probably as much for himself as it is for Buckâs sake.
But Buck needs him to know, canât go on pretending everything is fine.
Thatâs why he finds himself parked in front of Eddieâs house just after ten one morning when he knows that Eddie has a day off. He specifically waited for today, when he knew that Christopher would be at school and Eddie would be home alone. Now they would be able to have the conversation without needing to worry about shielding Christopher from it. The boy is doing surprisingly well all things considered and Buck doesnât want to remind him of anything, doesnât want to make him relive memories that Buck wishes he could learn to forget himself.
Just because Buck isnât doing as well, doesnât mean he canât be glad that Christopher is. It makes him admire the boyâs optimism and strength even more.
Buck grips the steering wheel a little too tightly, his knuckles white as he looks at the house. Heâs never before been afraid to walk in.
He takes a deep breath and lets go of the steering wheel, unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out of the car before he can change his mind and drive back to his flat.
Heâs been putting this off for too long, and while Buck knows that there's a possibility that when he tells Eddie the whole story, heâs going to lose the friendship he has with him, he also knows that itâs going to happen sooner or later, and heâs not going to be able to handle another day of lying by omission.
It feels like his heart is in his throat when he knocks on the door and waits for Eddie to open it.
âBuck!â
Eddie looks surprised but happy to see him, but Buck canât find the strength to fake a smile. It makes Eddie furrow his brows and step aside as he motions for Buck to come inside.
Buck does, and he dries his sweaty palms to his jeans.
âCome on,â Eddie says and leads him to the living room. âSit down.â
Buck doesnât say anything, but follows Eddie to the living room and sits down on the couch with him. The television is on, some kind of a sitcom playing there while Eddie was apparently folding laundry if the pile of clothing on the table is anything to go by.
Among the clothing, Buck spots a familiar yellow shirt and he turns his head away sharply, closing his eyes as flashes of that yellow in the dirty water come to the forefront of his mind, completely uninvited but strong.
â...Buck, Buck!â
Buckâs eyes snap open and he looks at Eddie whoâs suddenly a lot closer than he was a moment ago. His hand is on Buckâs shoulder and heâs looking at Buck with concern clear on his face.
âWhatâs going on Buck?â He asks gently, and the tone almost brings tears to Buckâs eyes. He wonders if heâll ever hear that tone again after he tells Eddie what he came here to tell.
âI need to talk to you,â Buck says and tries his best to hold eye contact.
Eddie gives him a slow nod, looking confused. Buck doesnât blame him.
âAbout the tsunami,â Buck continues, and he can see a flash of something in Eddieâs eyes before he pulls his hand away from Buck like it burns.
Buck wonders if thatâs a sign of how this conversation is going to go, but instead of panic now all he can feel is a deep sadness and resignation. He wouldnât blame Eddie if he never wanted to see Buck outside of work again, knows itâs what he deserves.
âBuck,â Eddie starts, moving a little away from Buck as if the physical distance will also distance him from the conversation. âYou donât need to.â
âI do,â Buck says. âI do need to. I need you to hear the whole story. I need you to know all the facts. I canât accept your forgiveness when you donât know what I did.â
âI know you did all you could,â Eddie says, his words sure. Buck smiles sadly at how fast Eddie says it, how sure he is of the words he says.
âBut I need you to know everything,â Buck says, and this time Eddie doesnât argue. He looks apprehensive but stays quiet, showing Buck that heâs listening.
âI-,â Buck starts but his words fail him, and he doesnât know where to start. Eddie doesnât push him, and eventually, Buck decides to start from the beginning. After all, heâs here to give Eddie the whole story.
âWe were at the pier when the tsunami came,â he starts.
Once he starts, he doesnât stop. He lets the words pour out and doesnât stop to think about them because heâs afraid of what will happen if he lets his mind focus on them for too long. He feels like heâs back at the pier, back in the water, and back at that fire truck. He canât look at Eddie as he speaks, doesnât want to see whatever expression is on his best friendâs face.
âThings seemed relatively good then,â Buck says as he tells about how they waited for rescue on top of the fire truck. âWe were playing I Spy. Thatâs when the water started bringing bodies with it. So many dead people in the water and there was nothing we could do to help them.â
Buck looks at Eddie then, just quickly before he lowers his eyes back to his hands that heâs wringing together in his lap. Eddie looks horrified so Buck speaks quickly.
âI picked Christopher up and turned him so his back was to the bodies,â he says, because he doesnât want Eddie to worry about Christopher seeing that. âWe continued playing I Spy with things high up on the sky until the bodies were past us.â
âThank you,â Eddie says then. Buck looks up at that, for the first time holding eye contact since he started talking. âFor not letting him see that.â
And no, this isnât what Buck is here to tell. Heâs not here to tell Eddie about the parts he did right that Christopher doesnât know about, heâs here to tell him about the parts he did wrong.
âThe next surge brought more people,â Buck says, desperate to make Eddie see the truth. âAnd they were alive.â
He remembers it all as clear as if it happened an hour ago, has played it over and over again in his mind since it happened, thinking of different ways of how he could have done better, how he should have acted.
âI tried to help them climb into the truck with us,â Buck says, his eyes aimed somewhere over Eddieâs shoulder but looking somewhere far. He tries his best to distance himself from the moment, even if it means going back to that moment. If he focuses on Eddieâs reaction heâll never get the words out of his mouth. âI turned my back on Christopher, and then I heard the sound of someone falling.â
Buck feels physically sick as he says the words, the guilt only intensifying as he hears Eddie gasp. He continues before Eddie has a chance to say anything.
âI tried to look for him,â he says, his voice coming out wobbly but he pushes forward past the tightness in his throat. âI couldnât see him anywhere so I jumped in the water, hoping the stream would take me in the same direction it took him. I tried so hard to find him, Eddie, I really did.â
He lets the tears fall then, feeling hollow now that the story is out there, now that Eddie knows how he lost his son. While it is unclear how their friendship will be after this, there are no more secrets hanging between them, no more false sense of normalcy. Buck knows he has no right to cry, but he canât help it. He leans his elbows to his knees and hides his face in his hands as the sobs wrack his body.
âBuck,â Eddie says, and Buck can feel a hand on his shoulder. He doesnât dare to look at him.
âEvan.â
He canât read the tone, so Buck takes a couple of deep breaths and tries to calm down before he straightens his back and looks up at Eddie. This is not about him, and heâs going to face whatever Eddie is going to say to him head-on because he knows whatever it is, he deserves it.
âThank you for telling me,â Eddie says. His face is solemn and his eyes glisten with tears Buck knows he won't let fall, but at least Buck canât see anger there. The next words Eddie says take Buckâs breath away.
âBut it doesnât change anything.â
âWhat?â Buck says weakly, not sure if he can trust his own ears. âDidnât you hear-â
âI heard how you saved him from the water and brought him on top of the fire truck where youâd be safe for the time being,â Eddie says. âI heard how you tried your best to keep him happy and to distract him, I heard how you didnât let him see all the horrible things you had to see. I heard how you also did your job, helping other people to safety. As far as you thought, Christopher was safe. You couldnât have known that he would fall over.â
âBut I shouldnât have turned my back on him,â Buck argues, his tone raising a little. âHe was supposed to be my priority! Not some strangers in the water! Didnât you just hear what I told you?â
âWe help strangers every day at our job,â Eddie reminds him. âYou wouldnât be the person I know if youâd just let them drown when you knew you could help them. I canât tell you what I would have done in your situation, because I wasnât there. And Iâm so fucking sorry you had to be there, the both of you. You did the best you could in that awful situation you were in. And yes, I did hear what you told me. I heard it loud and clear in every word you said, how much you care about my son and how hard you tried to find him. That was an awful day, and you did the best you could. Thereâs not a bone in my body that blames you for any of that, Evan.â
The words bring a new wave of tears to Buckâs eyes because Eddie is really forgiving him. And while itâs going to take a while for Buck to believe those words as much as Eddie seems to believe in them, itâs easier now when Buck knows that Eddie knows the whole story and still thinks Buck is worthy of forgiveness.
âThere arenât many people I trust with my son,â Eddie says. âBut you are definitely one of them.â
Eddie pulls him to a hug after that, and Buck tries to breathe deep and stop crying. His emotions feel like a mess, in part because he hasnât been sleeping well, and in part because this conversation has been a lot.
âI was so scared,â he says eventually when he has managed to calm down his tears. âI was scared for Christopher, not knowing if he was safe and if he was, how afraid he would be to be alone.â
Eddie holds him tighter at the admission and Buck knows his heart must hurt to imagine his son in that situation.
âEverything was fine,â Eddie reminds him, reminds them both. âHe was safe and a kind lady kept him company. Christopher has only told me good things about her. Apparently she sang the same song to him his abuela sings to him sometimes. The only thing he was worried about was you.â
Buckâs breath shakes on the way out.
âI was terrified of seeing you,â Buck admits, because apparently his mind has decided to come clean of everything now that he started. âI couldnât face you knowing that I had let you down.â
âBuck,â Eddie says immediately. âYou didnât let me down. You canât predict natural disasters.â
âI know,â Buck says and finally pulls away from the hug. âBut thatâs how I felt.â Then, after a short break. âThatâs how I still feel.â
Because even though Eddie knows now and still chooses to forgive him, things arenât miraculously good. They are better, and there are no words Buck can use to describe how much it means that Eddie is willing to forgive him even after knowing the whole story, but it will take time until Buck can fully forgive himself, if he ever will.
âWell,â Eddie says, and smiles for the first time since opening the door to Buck earlier. âI guess I just have to keep reminding you then.â
Buck likes that thought, in no small part because it means that Eddie and Christopher arenât going anywhere.
âYou good?â Eddie asks then, his voice serious again. Come to think of it, this is probably the longest serious conversation theyâve ever had and despite knowing that Eddie is uncomfortable with them, Buck has to admit that heâs also pretty good at them.
âI will be,â Buck says with a small smile, and he really believes his words.
âGood,â Eddie says. âYouâre stuck with us now, Buckley. Weâre not letting you go.â
Buck files that away to be thought about later, when heâs not emotionally drained and when he has the time to take that sentence and study it and wonder if it means the same to Eddie as it means to Buck.
But the time for that is later.
âYou need help?â Buck asks nodding towards the pile of laundry on the table.
âIâm not saying no to that,â Eddie laughs and throws Buck a shirt from the pile.
Christopherâs yellow shirt.
Buck is pretty sure it wasnât intentional, judging by the way Eddie tenses as he sees Buck catch the shirt. It looks like Eddie is going to either apologise or lean over to take the shirt back, but Buck unfolds the shirt from the ball it was bunched into and lays it against his legs.
When he starts to fold, Buck breathes in deep and focuses on here and now. Â
Eddie squeezes his shoulder briefly in silent support but doesnât say anything, and Buck is grateful. There has been enough heavy talk to last them a lifetime, and now Buck is more than happy to just fold laundry with Eddie while a sitcom plays in the background.
Buck feels calm for the first time in weeks.
#9-1-1#buddie#eddie diaz#evan buck buckley#buddie fic#my writing#hello yes i have commitment issues and this is my fourth fandom in as many months#also i accidentally made laundry meaningful#also also i really want to read a fic that has nothing to do with this one#but where buck sees christopher in that yellow shirt for the first time after the tsunami#and has a flashback or smth#and at first eddie doesn't understand what happened
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how about 65?
65 - shushing your lover as they try to kiss you, telling them that tonight is all about them, not you
send me a prompt from this (or this!) list
Buck had never felt more secure than he did in his relationship with Eddie. That was a definitive fact â from the moment they had started dating, Buck had felt secure, and certain, and loved. Eddie loved in a quiet way â quiet, and steady. He was always there, right by Buckâs side, whether that was at work, or in the grocery store, or in the pick-up line for Christopher. Eddie held his hand, at every opportunity â never asking, just reaching for Buck â and he pressed careful kisses to Buckâs cheek, and he texted Buck good morning, every morning, they werenât together, and good night, every night they werenât together. He had never been loved so steadily and so easily by anyone, in his life, and it was the best relationship Buck had ever been in.
Eddie was attentive, was the point. Now they had progressed from friends, to more, and had those conversations the two of them had been too scared to have before, Eddie was attentive and in-tune with Buck, and his emotions, and always â always â willing to do whatever Buck needed.
In previous relationships, Buck had felt like he needed to pack away his needy feelings, the way he craved physical touch so constantly, but Eddie, he felt like it was welcome â he knew that Eddie didnât mind, the way Buck would sit too close sometimes, their bodies pressed together shoulder to thigh. Eddie didnât mind, the way Buck would tug on his hand and pull Eddie in for a hug that lasted a second or ten too long, needing to feel Eddie close. Eddie, who had realised from the beginning how sometimes, words werenât enough â Buck needed actions, touches, the physicality of it all.
Which was something Eddie had wholeheartedly embraced, actually.
It wasnât as though it had been easy â realising you were bisexual at any age was a weird experience, and Buck had gone through it all at twenty-one when he realised his feelings for his co-worker at the time were far from platonic â but Eddie had gone through it all in his thirties, with a kid and a marriage under his belt. Buck had been happy to give him time; and Eddie had taken it, in the beginning, but after a few months of being with Buck, of wine nights and friendship shaped therapy with Karen, and some actual therapy shaped therapy, Eddie had come into his own, as a person, and in their relationship.
That was the freeing part of accepting your own sexuality, he supposed.
The point was â
Sex with Eddie was the best Buck had ever had. He knew it sounded cheesy, and in some ways, it was terribly cheesy. Buck could give a cringey line about how sometimes it wasnât about the sex, it was about the love of it all, the way he could feel the depth of Eddieâs love for him in every press, every touch, every lingering kiss â but even for him, a very sappy and in love person, that might be too much.
Glancing at Eddie, Buck sort of changed his mind â how could any words be enough when it was Eddie, who loved him? Eddie Diaz, who loved so openly, so attentively, as though Buck â and Christopher â were at the centre of his entire world and he never needed anyone else to be there. Eddie, who was undressing Buck in a way that felt so tender and loving that it sort of made Buck want to cry, actually.
As good as they were with words, these days, better communicators now after their friendship had been broken open by more shared trauma than either of them knew how to deal with â sometimes words were hard, and right then and there, words were hard.
Tugging on Eddieâs hair, Buck tried to kiss Eddie, brushing his lips briefly against Eddieâs own before his boyfriend shook his head, pulling back. The smile on Eddieâs face was soft, crinkling at the corners of his eyes. âTonight is all about you,â he hummed, pressing a gentle finger against Buckâs lips as Buck tried to interject, tried to tell Eddie that it could be about them, not just Buck. âBuck â baby,â he continued. âI know you need this, so let me take care of you, okay? Let â let tonight be about you.â
Buck was definitely going to cry. His beautiful boyfriend, with his beautiful face and beautiful words, was about to commit a world first and have Buck crying before they even got to the good part of sex, and it was going to be horribly embarrassing â and as embarrassing as the tears that pricked at the corners of Buckâs eyes felt, more than anything else, he just felt safe, and loved, and cared for. Of course Eddie had realised Buck was strung out, tension tight across his shoulders after a long day, in the midst of what was shaping up to be a long week. Of course Eddie had realised just what Buck needed, realised it before Buck himself had thought about what he needed.
Not trusting himself to speak, Buck nodded.
âOkay?â Eddie nudged, clearly wanting a proper answer.
Buck smiled wetly at Eddie â his wonderful boyfriend, the love of his goddamn life â and he nodded again. âYeah, okay.â
Eddie kissed him, finally, the embrace soft, and sweet. âI love you so much, do you know that?â
Buck returned the smile. âOnly as much as I love you.â
#911 fox#evan buckley#eddie diaz#911fic#buddie#in which i ramble#in which lorna writes fic#prompt fill
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Flufftober Day 3 - Lazy sundays
Fandom: 9-1-1
Pairing: Eddie Diaz/Evan "Buck" Buckley
Characters: Eddie Diaz, Christofer Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley
After the storm
Chapter 3:
"When was the last time you had a Sunday off?" Eddie asked as he finished making breakfast coffee for himself and Buck. "I really don't remember, you get paid more for working on Sunday and until now I didn't have a reason for a good reason not to work on Sundays."
Eddie handed him the cup and brushed Buck's fingers with his own looking into his eyes. Christopher appeared just then; he didn't notice the gesture or perhaps preferred not to say anything.
"Good morning Buck, did you sleep here tonight?"
Buck looked at Eddie wondering what he should answer to that question. Christopher was a very smart boy, a boy who adored him almost as much as he loved his father; he'd probably be thrilled if they were together, but maybe it wasn't the time yet to tell him.
"Yeah, we finished work pretty late last night and I asked Buck if he wanted to stay over." Eddie said to his son. "I'm making breakfast, what do you feel like eating today?" "And are you staying all day today, could you stay over today too? It's Sunday, surely you don't have anything to do do do you dad?" "Well, that will have to be up to Buck to decide."
Father and son looked at Buck, it was up to him to make the decision, because they both, for different reasons, wanted him to stay with them.
"Ehm." He laughed nervously, in a way it was a lot of pressure. Eddie and he had just started something more than friendship and he didn't want to put his relationship with Christopher in the way for the time being. "Since you're telling me like this, sure, why don't I stay today?"
Christopher squealed with delight and Eddie winked a son at Buck to thank him for making things easy.
The boy went to his room when breakfast was over, to change his clothes. They watched him disappear smiling and suddenly Buck found Eddie's hand rubbing his back.
"Thanks." "For what?" "For everything. I don't think I've ever really thanked you for being a part of our life. Christopher was afraid when we came here and I started working at the barracks that I'd be left alone, friendless and that my whole life would revolve around him."- "Isn't that exactly what's going on?" Buck asked then burst out laughing and apologized.
Eddie murdered him with his eyes.
"But with you it's different, we've teamed up with him and Christopher has noticed. That's why he doesn't want you to leave. He knows you're important to me, the same way you're important to him." "It's not hard to love you..." Buck realized his subconscious had played a trick on him when he'd already said it out loud. "I meant, to love him." "Oh, right, I guess we're moving too fast you and me."
Eddie got up and started to gather up the breakfast things, but before he grabbed the second cup, Buck grabbed his hand.
"That's not true, I meant to say love you, both of you."
Buck moved a little closer to Eddie and reached for his lips, to give him a kiss.
They stood there for a moment, when Christopher reappeared, as much as they were both clear about things, as much as they were sure that sooner or later they would tell the boy that they were in a relationship, now that was something they would do slowly.
"What are the plans for today?" Buck asked once they had separated." "The plans for a good Sunday in this house is to do nothing productive, lay around on the couch and in the afternoon make a huge bowl of popcorn and watch a couple of movies before ordering pizza for dinner." "May I ask why you've never invited me to one of those wonderful Sundays?" "Now, you'll come to all of them." Eddie whispered in her ear and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
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itâs rage (911 3x05) and the divorce lawsuit arc keeps eddie from reaching out to buck.Â
but the thing is. eddieâs been isolating himself. not on purpose. but as a means of coping. with the almost-baby. the would-be divorce. shannonâs death. his family visiting. the ladder bombing. buckâs blood clots. the tsunami. christopherâs ptsd. and thereâs no time for anything else. certainly not time for himself.Â
and heâll willingly take christopher to therapy. but wonât give that to himself. heâs not touchy-feely like that. or at least. he doesnât think heâs allowed to be.Â
eddie basically admits it in kids today (911 3x01). look, I know it sucks, but that's life, right? whenever stuff didn't work out for me, my dad always told me to brush it off, keep moving forward. It wasn't easy but he wasn't wrong.Â
but instead of that he listens to his team. decides that henâs I don't know if I should just give him a swift kick in the butt and get him back out there or hug him and tell him that it's all gonna be okay. is the better advice. so he shows up unannounced at buckâs loft. gives him a swift kick in the ass outta bed. hands him a hug in the shape of christopher. he never feels sorry for himself. and it seems to work. for a while. I learned one thing from that tsunami: it's that I don't quit. I fight. because even after the tsunami. after losing christopher during the second wave. eddie still trusts buck. because buck never stopped searching. never stopped trying to find christopher. and that means everything. thank you for not giving up.
but then thereâs the fallout. christopherâs having nightmares. and heâs unwilling to talk about them to eddie. he obviously saw something terrible when he was separated from buck. something that he conflates with his motherâs death. something about a woman drowning.Â
which is absolutey heartbreaking. especially since thereâs nothing eddie can really do. just keep loving him.Â
and bosko means well. she and eddie are building their own friendship since the tsunamis. and itâs been growing while she temps at the 118. she gives him invaluable advice when he talks about christopher. that no matter what, her mom shared her feelings with her. however we felt, we were in it together, no matter what.
but sheâs also a literal buck stand-in. a temporary coworker and a temporary confidante. especially once the lawsuit is underway. well, there's no way I was gonna call my abuela or the 118, and I'm not allowed to talk to buck.
because buck is trying to get his job back. feeling hurt and betrayed and lashing out. and inadvertabtly hurting those he cares about most. because he told his lawyer about shannonâs death. how eddie never took any time off to grieve. never saw a counselor.
and eddieâs not okay with that. not after the revelation about christopherâs nightmares. the fresh wounds that would leave. because eddieâs a private guy. guarded about his emotions. heâs silly and soft with christopher in their own home. but heâll cry alone on the beach.Â
and maybe buck didnât say all that to this stranger. this ambulance chaser. but it feels like he did. that buck aired all his dirty laundry. personal things. that buck didnât have his back.Â
but maybe bosko can. she might be a buck mirror in the tsunami eps but sheâs also an eddie mirror. sheâs not into touchy feely emotions either. and she likes to fight. so she takes him to fake fight club. letâs him work off some steam.Â
only it fails spectacularly. because eddieâs not actually mad. heâs not angry. no, heâs hurting. and he doesnât know how to show it. and maybe that's where our rage comes from. a feeling that our world, our lives are out of control.
and it all comes spilling out in the pet aisle of a grocery store. because buckâs there to apologize and eddie. eddie misses him. I can't even talk to you and youâre not around.Â
even worse. christopher misses him. and buck didnât even realize that.
and thereâs a lifetime bad advice is still rattling around in eddieâs head. we all have our own problems, but you don't see us whining about it. no, somehow, we just manage to suck it up. why can't you? and then he says something truly awful. something he doesnât actually mean.
you're exhausting.
which is to say. eddieâs exhausted. heâs obviously not sleeping, not with christopher waking up to nightmares. and everything feels like itâs out of control. eddie feels like heâs out of control.Â
and just when he felt like he was getting some of that control back--buck becoming a fire marshal. a new friend. admitting heâs sad to chris. a week without nightmares--that lawyer takes it all away. makes him feel like heâs still not enough. awakens the old fears that heâll drag christopher down with him. because he didnât grieve properly. didnât let himself feel. and thatâs what sparked all of christopherâs problems.Â
nevermind that none of itâs true. that itâs just eddie projecting. because he feels helpless. powerless. weak. alone.
and thatâs why eddie goes to the private fights. why he continues going. despite the bruises and the beatings. and why he gives buck the cold shoulder in monsters (911 3x06) when he notices them. nothing you need to be concerned with.
because their team is broken. when you decided to sue the department, to make cap the bad guy, did you ever stop for a minute to think what that could do to us? and yeah, eddieâs obtensibly refering to the 118 team. but that little finger waggle gives him away. us as in you and me. us as in you and christopher. us as in the buckley-diaz team.
your actions, your choices, they impact the rest of us. that's what it means to be a part of a team. because eddieâs ready to finish their conversation from the grocery story. ready to listen. because buckâs proven heâs listened too. acknoweldged that he didnât think about what could happen. that he didnât mean for it to go so far. didnât mean for anyone. let alone eddie and chris. to get hurt.Â
only he was so mad. at bobby. at the 118. at the world. at himself. and he wanted to punch something.Â
just like eddie.Â
and maybe thatâs what does it. because eddieâs forgiven buck before he can even finish asking. I forgive you. also what it means to be part of a team. because they were the same. they were both hurting. both retreating inward and lashing outwards. alone and suffering for it.Â
so eddie puts their team back together. seals all that tough love with a hug.Â
and itâs not quite over. they still have some healing to do--eddieâs still cage fighting and buckâs still repairing his relationship with bobby. but now they have each otherâs backs. they can heal together.Â
because theyâre on the same team. again.
#just rewatched the lawsuit arc#and oof is 3x04 hard to watch#but also i never noticed how sharply the bobby and buck conflict#veers into an eddie and buck confict#once they are face to face in the grocery store#like bobby says NOTHING to buck#just let's eddie pour his messy feelings all over the pet aisle#and all the things eddie says basically boil down to#I'm tired and I miss you#i need you to have my back while i deal with all these messy feelings#and the same for buck!#he didn't feel like eddie had his back with bobby#it's about the team as family#not just the 118 but them#the buckley-diaz team as family#and it's about listening#really listening#to ourselves and those who care about us#and about changing those dialogues when they are toxic#i dunno#lots of feels about this whole arc#it's messy and UNCOMFORTABLE and I know fandom likes to skip over it#or pretend it didn't happen#but i think it's important#maybe because it's messy and uncomfortable#because in the end thier relationship is stronger#because they realize how much they need each other#how lost they were alone#okay enough rambling in the tag#eddie diaz
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